Robin for Exalt
by HellfireSupremacy
Summary: Chrom sucks at his job. Robin decides its time to bring a splash of democracy to Ylisse.
1. Chapter 1

Inspired by what John Stewart has affectionately labeled "Democalypse 2014."

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><p><span>Robin for Exalt<span>

**_"You're the King?" I didn't vote for you."_**-Monty Python and the Holy Grail-

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><p>"…What the hell is this…" <em>Chrom knows we're broke, right<em>?

"So pretty!" Lissa posed next to her likeness in gold.

"Teach always told ya; these guns are a work of art!" Vaike flexed next to his.

"Wait till Ma' sees this; you city folk sure are fancy!" Donnel was mighty impressed.

"…This seems like a colossal waste of money…" Gaius spoke sense.

"Milord insisted that no expense be spared in honoring our war heroes," Frederick didn't really _NEED a _10 foot tall, solid-gold statue of himself on public display to feel honored. But it was a nice thing to have.

"Anndddd now I have to explain to the Fletchers Guild why we haven't settled our war debt, but have enough gold to buy 10 thousand longbows decorating King's Plaza. That's totally what I wanted to do today…"

House Ylisse had accumulated an astronomical sum of debts between the campaigns in Plegia and Valm; that was the plain truth of the matter. The farmers hadn't been paid for stocking marching rations. The stonemasons hadn't been paid for rebuilding the border forts. The apothecaries hadn't been paid for treating wounded veterans. There were shipping costs from the landing in Valm Harbor and excise fees from importing Feroxi Steel and road-building expenditures from Awakened Grima quaking the old highways.

There were job shortages. (Trade guilds waiting on payment from the crown were sitting on their assets instead of taking on new apprentices.)

There were bread lines. (Chrom's pronouncement that no merchant may charge more than 2 farthings per loaf so that all men could eat had induced merchants to stock fewer loaves. Which in turn had induced farmers to grow less grain.)

Ylisstol was overcrowded and disease-ridden and reeked of feces. (Chrom had opened the royal city to every orphan and war refugee without any thought as to the burdens of human traffic or the limits of city infrastructure. When the sewers started backing up, Robin finally convinced him that they had a problem.)

Chrom was a good man and a noble warrior. But he was a terrible, terrible king.

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><p>"Did you like the new war memorial?"<p>

"You're an idiot." Robin berated the Exalt.

"It wasn't THAT expensive."

"Do I need to run down the list of things you should have been doing with all that gold before arts-and-crafts projects?"

"I took out a loan from Chon'sin. We'll have our debts paid off by years end."

"Loans ARE debt."

"Right; but now we owe all our debts to just one lender." Chrom explained himself. "They won't call it in all at once, we can service it down, and we don't have to make our first payment for five years. We don't even have to pay for all of it."

"What do you mean _we don't have to pay for all of it_? Of course we have to pay for it."

"We borrowed 50 million gold and only have to pay back 45 million; Chon'sin takes 10 percent of the interest. They wanted 5 percent; but I negotiated it up to 10."

"Are you fucking serious right now?" Robin gaped.

"Pretty good, right?" Chrom beamed.

"DUMBASS! interest is what they charge you every year on top of what you haven't paid yet!"

"Wait; Really? So then 10 percent means…"

"…in five years, you owe Chon'sin _**80 million **_gold!"

"…Oh…shit…" Chrom felt foolish. "That's not nearly as good."

"Ya Think!?"

"It okay. I can fix this. I just need to find Say'ri and…"

"I'LL find Say'ri and explain that the King of Ylisse doesn't know how loans work." Robin took charge before Chrom blundered further. "You…go play with Falchion or something…"

By day's end Robin had refinanced Chrom's loan down to 3 percent, procured a waiver of liabilities from the mayor of Southtown, and worked out a trade agreement by which the Fisherman's Guild would sell to Port Ferox at a discount rate in exchange for an offset against the cost of steel.

"With this arrangement we get the guild hiring again, decrease our reconstruction costs…CHROM! PAY ATTENTION!" Robin gave her report. Or at least tried. When it came to matters of state, Chrom had the attention span of a goldfish.

"Gods Robin; you know I don't understand any of this." The Exalt yawned.

"Remind me why you're King again?"

"Ummmmm…lets see….my father was a King. His father was a King. His father was a King…"

"That's stupid. You're stupid. Picking leaders by bloodline is STUPID!" Robin could name dozens of scholars and sages and scribes who hadn't been fortunate enough to have been sired by royalty, and were more competent to sit a throne than Chrom or Lissa or Lucina. Or—gods forbid—Cynthia (Ylisse's next head-of-state by operation of law if Lucina predeceased her without heir...that thought was absolutley horrifying).

"Look; I'm not going to pretend it makes sense. It is what it is; just give me the papers and I'll put my seal to them."

"Don't just put your seal to it; READ FIRST!"

"These trade agreements are…like…200 pages long. No one actually reads these."

"Your word can change laws and move armies. You should be reading EVERYTHING you put your name to."

"I would. But its late, and Sumia's been super horny all day, and I really don't want to..." without further review—errr; any review—Chrom affixed his seal.

"You could have just signed a decree changing the title of _Exalt_ to _Supreme Master Big Nuts_, and you wouldn't even know."

"You seem to have everything in order. I trust you!" Chrom left Robin the work of filing and promulgating his decrees, and hastily retired to have dirty, dirty sex with his smoking hawt wife.

_"I do all the work around here. I practically run this country. I should be Exalt." _Robin recorded the date of affixing in the king's registrar and drafted a certification.

And then a most wicked thought occurred to her.

_I SHOULD be Exalt._

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><p>"…What the hell is this…" <em>Robin knows you can't be exalt unless you're royalty, right?<em>

"VOTE ROBIN!" Gaius harassed random pedestrians with campaign literature and a rouge's tongue. "You there; what a sweet child you have. Does he want a free lollipop. Here's a free lolipop. VOTE ROBIN! You there; gentleman of exceptionally good taste in the stunning hat. Do you know how stylish you look? VOTE ROBIN!"

"You. Peasant boy. How would you like to pay lower taxes AND make more money!" Maribelle sold her pitch.

"My brother's a dork; vote for Robin!"

"LISSA!" Chrom was pissed.

"What; they were giving away free lollipops. You don't give away free lollipops" Lissa pouted.

"What is the meaning of this!?"

"I'm running against you for the title of Exalt, dweeb." Robin called out.

"You can't do that!"

"Oh yes I can! Exalt is an elected office now."

"Since when!?"

"Since you signed _An Order by Exalt Chrom abolishing throne rights by blood and providing for appointment by Popular Election_, because YOU DON'T READ!" Robin produced proof of filing.

"…the fuck is a _Popular Erection? _That sounds like something Vaike gets."

"**_ELECTION!_** Its when people vote who they want to run the country and put the winner in charge. You're a king; why don't you not know this?"

"So we're going to appeal to the peasants and bumpkins and pick a ruler based on who they like more?"

"Yes."

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."

"Its not dumber than picking a ruler based on who got squirted out of a dead exalts balls in what order!"

"...Its way dumber than that..."

"You're just afraid I'll beat you."

"YOU? Beat ME?" Chrom guffawed. "I'm THE EXALT!"

"You SUCK at your job!"

"No…seriously Robin…the people love me. And Sumia. And most of them still think that you're some kind of demonspawn. There is no way you could ever get more votes then me."

"PROVE IT!"

"FINE; I WILL! GODS!"

"IT'S ON!"

"IT'S SO ON!"

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><p><em>-Cast Your Vote- (Of course the first year I vote Democrat is the year Republicans retake the Senate)<br>_


	2. Chapter 2

The responses to Chapter 1 were just fantastic; thank you everyone who followed and left a review! For fics like this, feedback is what really gets the creative juices flowing.

I got several requests to bring Lucina on board. I'm issuing an executive veto on the "make her Robin's waifu" proposal. But I like where your heads are at, and I'm definitely going to play off of that idea.

We'll see if any of those votes change as the campaign progresses. (Chrom for all his faults is a good and honest man. Robin doesn't play fair.)

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><p><span>Robin for Exalt<span>

"**Do you still believe that good soldiers make good kings?" **-Renly Baratheon; A Game of Throne-

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><p>"Why are you doing this?" Sumia shook her head. Her husband could be so damn stubborn sometimes.<p>

"She thinks that if we put it to a vote, the people of Ylisse wouldn't want me to be their Exalt! Wouldn't want ME to be their Exalt! How ridiculous is that!?"

"Go to the hierarchs. Tell them you never heard of this law. Decree blood rights again."

"NO! I'm gonna run against her, and I'm gonna win!"

"...That's…" _Oh Dear. How to tell him._ "…why don't you go to the hierarchs, just to be safe…"

You don't think I'd win!?"

"I think that getting into a battle of wits with Robin is a really bad idea. Robin doesn't lose...she's tricky..."

"Robin can play all the tricks she wants; I'm a beloved ruler! My people adore me!"

"Dire news Your Grace...it appears you are unpopular..." Fredrick produced Chrom's favorability ratings. "There were…reviews..."

"Me? Unpopular? That can't be right."

"Gaurdian Mikey writes: "_**Chrom is a terrible king**_." Frederick reported. DerpyOtaku writes: _**I aways wonder how Chrom manages to get by conisdering he's so daft**_. Dark Mephiles writes: _**I'm voting Chrom, just because I want to se how much he's going to screw up**_**." **

"BASTARDS! I killed Grima and saved the world for these people; Why don't they love me!?" Chrom needed to get popular again.

"You did that _years _ago." Sumia reminded him. "Now there's no jobs, mountains of debt, and King's Plaza smells like a chamberpot. What have you done for them lately?"

"Might I suggest addressing the sewage problem first, Your Grace," Frederick advised. "I do believe people would like you more if the capital DIDN'T smell like a chamberpot."

"It couldn't hurt,"Sumia agreed.

"Very well; we shall fix the sewers!" Chrom decided. "Builders. We need builders. All I need to do is get some men from the Masons Guild and…FUCK…I don't have any money…"

"Perhaps you could melt down my statue for coin?" Frederick was just full of helpful hints today.

"NO! We're keeping the statues! Sumia's got some old jewelery I can sell."

"I hope you don't run The Treasury like this," Sumia disapproved.

"Robin runs The Treasury," Chrom admitted.

"What exactly do you do?" Sumia had been wondering for quite some time.

"I sign the papers."

"…Sighhh…Oh boy…you're lucky you're cute."

Sumia shooed Frederick out of the room and did lewd things to her stupid, stubborn man.

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><p>"Why are you doing this?" Lucina shook her head. Robin could be so damn stubborn sometimes.<p>

"Lucina; your father is an amazing man and I love him to death. But he doesn't know public policy from a hole in his ass."

"Help him then! Don't steal his throne!" _MY throne. I'm next in line, bitch._

"Hey, Hey. I'm not STEALING it. We're letting the people choose, and if they just so happen to want me…"

"I could run against you." Lucina glared.

"You could," Robin agreed. "And then you and Chrom would split the Loyalist vote, and I would win by a landslide."

"Okay...that right there…that's why you can't do this." Lucina pressed. "You're WAY too smart to be campaigning against Father. This isn't even fair."

"Doesn't Ylisse DESERVE a smart leader?" Robin pressed right back. "Mikolos VII started a war over who loves God the right way. Emmeryn threw herself off a cliff. I'm pretty sure Chrom is legally retarded…"

"WHAT ABOUT ME? I would be a good Exalt!"

"…I've thought about that, and there's a way you can stay in power even without rule of blood-right.

"How?"

"Marry me." Robin proposed.

"Stop that," Lucina went red in the face. "We're both women."

"Two women can get married now."

"Since when?"

"Since Chrom signed_ An Order Allowing for Marriages of the Same Sex_. Do you have any idea how many laws I change when Chrom isn't paying attention? I drafted an order changing Ylisse's national anthem to Bohemian Rhapsody, and he signed it. HE SIGNED IT!"

"…you changed the law of marriage just to prove you could…"

"_Noooooooo_; I changed the national anthem just to prove I could. I changed the law of marriage because I wanted to."

"Whatever…I'm not marrying you…" Lucina snorted. "I'm not even attracted to girls."

"Right. But what if you just _pretend _you are. For politics. Crack a history book; it wouldn't even be close to the weirdest thing anyone's ever done to sit a throne."

"_**NO!**_" Lucina flat-out refused. "And I know the only reason you're even asking is because you think marrying into the royal family will boost your campaign."

"_Finnnnneee_," Robin admitted defeat and fell back to Plan B. "Where's your crazy cousin?"

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><p>"You want me to do WHAT!?" Owain knew Robin was tricky. He didn't think she was <em>THAT <em>tricky.

"Marry me, darling. I love you ever so much."

"…this is the first time you've ever SPOKEN to me…"

"And we already we have this amazing connection. Isn't it magical?" Robin batted her eyelashes and struck her most flirty tone. "Its like we were meant to be."

"Stop. You're a terrible actor."

"But you're an AMAZING actor. Which is why we can make this work!" Robin saw Owain was in no mood to be jerked around and spoke plainly. "You're a showman. Elections are show business. Just think what a thespian of your talents could do on the campaign trail; you couldn't ASK for a better stage!"

"So our marriage would be an ACT?" Owain considered.

"A magnificent act."

"What about sex?"

"What about it?"

"Do we…do we sleep together?"

"No…I'm going to marry into the Exalted Bloodline and not make a royal baby…" Robin snarked. "OF COURSE WE SLEEP TOGETHER!"

"That doesn't sound like acting."

"Why are you being so difficult? A beautiful woman is throwing herself at you; what are you, gelded?"

"…I was kind of hoping I could work things out with Severa..."

"Severa hate you. And really now; Severa? Over THIS!?" Robin loosened her robes and showed a little skin.

"…Oh WOW…those are nice…"

"I know; right!?" Robin giggled and bounced. "And they're 100 percent natural. Go ahead; give them a feel if you don't believe me."

"Annnddddd this decision just got a whole lot easier!" Owain took her ring, kneeled,and said: "Lovely Lady Robin; will you fake-marry me for sex, power, and the lulz?"

"With a proposal like that, how can I refuse?" Robin accepted her ring back and curtsied graciously. "Shall we introduce the kingdom to your blushing bride?"

"Can we make out first?"

"...settle down Owain…"

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><p>"There; all fixed!" Chrom took a deep breath. Ylisstol smelled like fresh air again.<p>

"…that'll be 14,000 gold…" the master builder charged.

"Will you accept payment in the form of diamond rings?"

"Gold." The builder insisted.

"I will give you 20,000 gold worth of jewelery if you accept payment in the form of diamond rings."

"24,000."

"22,000."

"Deal." The Guildwright and the Exalt came to an agreement.

"Well done!" Frederick applauded the achievement.

"If you sell my hairpins to pay for the new highway, you're sleeping on the couch." Sumia glowered.

"Maybe Robin is on to something with this whole election thing." Lissa teased.

"Whats that supposed to mean!?" Chrom took the bait.

"Nothing…just that since you started thinking people could boot you out of power for doing a shit job, you've become a much more attentive king." Lissa had been complaining about the raw sewage problem for weeks. Those sewers never would have gotten fixed if Chrom hadn't been feeling the pressure.

"I admit…its not as dumb as I first thought…" Chrom was warming up to the idea of running for office. He still had it in him to be a dashing prince charming, when he put his mind to it. Getting out and reminding the people why they loved their Exalt might be just what he needed to snap Ylisse out of its reconstruction malaise. "Frederick; you worship the ground I walk on. What is it about my royal personage that strikes you as most impressive?"

"That would be your honor and prowess on the battlefield, Your Grace," Frederick answered readily. "Your justice is merciful and strong."

"And you, Sumia. Why do you love me?"

"Because you're a a good man. And a sexy beast."

"And you, Lissa?"

"Because you're my loveable, doofus brother."

"There it is! I'm a loveable, sexy, war hero with a heart of gold! I just have to get out and remind everyone; if people see me fight they'll remember why they love me!" Chrom had a game plan, and he didn't need Robin to make it work."FREDERICK; saddle my horse! WE RIDE!"

"AT ONCE!" Frederick boomed. _There's the man I would follow to the gates of hell. Welcome back, Captain.  
><em>


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you again to everyone who responded with interest in this fic. One thing I never see in fanfiction (and always wanted to bring to it) was political satire. I tried to do this once before in a now-deleted fic for another fandom, and made a horrid mess of it. Now I feel like I'm doing it right.

Some of you want to know what's going on with Morgan. Robin is unwed as of the post-war start of this story, which means future Morgan does not exist in this timeline. Morgan, if he appears at all, will be appearing as a royal fetus.

With regards to everyone being out of character; imagine how these characters would act if portrayed in a Will Ferrell movie, and you will find that they are all very much in character.

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><p><span>Robin For Exalt<span>

**"Democracy is a device that insures that we shall be governed no better than we deserve. Whose fault is it?"** -Adlai Stevenson-

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><p>"AVAST, YE SCURVY DOGS!" The dread pirate Zanth and his scoundrel crew made landfall at Bay Breeze Pier. Raiding up and down the southern coast of Ylisse had become much easier since Ylisstol had cut defense spending in half; what with King Chrom the Frivolous emptying the royal coffers.<p>

"PIRATES!" villagers boarded up their houses and rang out their call-to-arms and rallied their militias.

"Up and at em; Show em how ye bury yer treasure lads!" Zanth's raiding party torched the docks and looted their way through the fish markets and broke upon the town square in a screaming horde of rape and butchery.

"YARRR; That be the finest pirate's booty I've ever laid eyes on!" Bunghole Jones wasn't talking about treasure.

"Back ye bilge rat; I saw her first!" One-Eye Willy swung his axe menacingly.

"Swash yer own bucklers One-Eye." Bunghole cracked him across the forehead.

"Sheath yer own cutlass, Bunghole!"One-Eye cracked back twice as hard.

"Smartly, lads! The secret to a good raping be in findin' the right chord to strike fear and nausea into yer enemy; this be a fool's motley!" Captain Zanth took charge. "Bunghole; back to the ship with ye. Ye be demoted to barnacle-scraper, second class. One-Eye; put the bird down and let me have a few words with ye."

But there were no words to be had. For at that very moment a javelin pierced ol' One-Eye through his one eye, and he dropped dead on the spot.

"**WHO HAS THE BALLS!?" **Captain Zanth bellowed.

"Hah Hah!" A lone rider in extravagant, enameled armor met the pirate horde and laughed a heroic laugh. "Prepare to face…wait Frederick, is everyone watching?" The rider paused to make sure his cape was fluttering majestically.

"The whole village, milord." A second rider answered.

"Prepare to face the King's _**JUSTIIIICCCCEEEE**_!"

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><p>"…And that's how I'm going to create jobs, fix the roads, AND pay off the war debt without raising taxes." Robin concluded her campaign speech. "I will now take questions. You there…gentleman in the front…"<p>

"Aren't you Plegian?"

"I am a loyal citizen of Ylisse and I've fought for the Halidom in two wars. Next question…you, with the baby…"

"You WERE born in Plegia, were you not?"

"…I hardly see how that's…"

"Terrorist!"

"Commie!"

"SHOW US THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE!"

"Does anyone have any questions about my _**policies**_?" Robin tried her best to ignore the hecklers. This was going to be harder than she thought. "…You…woman in the floral dress…"

"Chrom fixed the sewers."

"…That isn't a question…" _Gods; these people DESERVE Chrom_.

"Why shouldn't we just give him more time to fix everything else?"

"First of all, he only fixed the sewers when and because I announced my candidacy against him. He could have fixed it months ago and he didn't; now he's just pandering. Second, he spent 22,000 gold worth of royal assets to do it. He could have gotten it done for 14,000 with the gold he wasted on the War Memorial and had enough leftover to fix the roads. Third…"

"**LONG LIVE THE KING! LONG LIVE THE KING! LONG LIVE THE KING!"**

A boisterous flash mob of small-town folk marched into Ylisstol carrying a most exalted Chrom upon their shoulders, mosh-pit style.

"Exalt Chrom rode to Bay Breeze Square and thrashed 100 pirates by his lonesome; it was the most heroic thing I've ever seen!" A girl in the mob swooned.

"Slew the Southern Sea King and took his head, his lordliness did! A fine man our Exalt!" a yokel farmhand gushed Chrom's praise in his hillbilly dialect.

"He even met the boys at the tavern afterwards for a pint; sparred with some of the youths and danced with me daughter. A real man of the people!" Added another.

"He's got my vote!" Added a third.

"A man who can champion us when we need a champion and who you can drink a beer with; he should be our king!" Added one more.

"**LONG LIVE THE KING! LONG LIVE THE KING! LONG LIVE THE KING!" **The crowd that had gathered around Robin abandoned her, and joined with Chrom's adoring throng.

"NO! He's just fixing now what he should have fixed 3 years ago. Every pillaged town and ravaged villager is a badge of his neglect; _**Don't you people get it**_!?" Robin lost her cool.

"…Easy now…" Owain put a hand on her shoulder and calmed her down before she said something campaign-ending. "Chrom has won the day. You're only going to make it worse."

"SEE THE FATE OF THOSE WHO WOULD RAVAGE THE HALIDOM AT THE HANDS OF THY EXALT; CHROM LOVES YOU ALL!" Frederick produced the head of the Dread Pirate Zanth mounted on a javelin. "IT IS IN THIS LOVE THAT HE RIDES DOWN YOUR RAVAGERS AND STRIKES AGAINST THEM WITH HIS OWN BODY! PRAISE EXALT CHROM; LONG MAY HE REIGN!"

"**LONG LIVE THE KING! LONG LIVE THE KING! LONG LIVE THE KING!"**

"Citizens of the Halidom!" King Chrom addressed his people. "I can hear you! The World hears you! The ruffians who burnt those villages will hear all of us soon!"

The people cheered. Oh how mightily the people cheered.

"Today, Ylisse, I can tell you two things: THE SOUTHERN SEA KING IS DEAD, AND THE FISHERMAN'S GUILD IS ALIVE!"

"**LONG LIVE THE KING! LONG LIVE THE KING! LONG LIVE THE KING!"**

"The Fisherman's Guild is alive because of _MY TRADE AGREEMENT_, you _BASTARD!_" Robin shouted. But no one heard.

"I pledge that as long as I reign you do not have to live in fear of brigands, pirates, conquerors, or _**Plegians.**_"

The way Chrom threw out the last word, Robin could have sworn he was talking about her.

"Chrom…is actually good at this…" Owain gaped.

"He's just slightly better at running a competitive campaign than I expected," Robin half-admitted. "These voters are so STUPID! Stupid attracts stupid. How am I suppose to compete with that?"

"You would probably attract more voters if you didn't so openly despise them," Owain suggested.

"I don't OPENLY despise them." Robin denied.

"You are a terrible actor," Owain reminded her. "We poll-tested your negatives. Do you know the number one reason why voters don't like you?"

"They say I'm a Plegian, Terrorist, Commie Antichrist?" Robin ventured a guess.

"No. They say you're a snobby, know-it-all, elitist who talks down to people who aren't as smart as you."

"…Ouch…." That stung.

"You have an image problem." Owain diagnosed the issue. "Chrom fixed his image problem. We need to fix yours. The way I see it, we have two options."

"And what would those be?" _I knew I married you for a reason. There it is…_

"The first option is we train you to present better in front of voters. But I don't think we can do this, because you are a _terrible actor_."

"…Try Me…" Robin challenged.

"Alright. I'm a villager who thinks Chrom would make a better exalt than you…" Owain got into character. "_I say; Chrom is a fine Exalt! Why ever should we replace him with you?"_

"Because Chrom bankrupted Ylisse by lowering taxes in the middle of a war, and now the country is falling apart because he doesn't know how to manage debt. I have a six point plan that will…"

"…_but he's the rightful king. Why don't you just serve as chancellor of the king's court and tell him the six point plan; isn't that the way it's supposed to be_?"

"Don't you think it would be _BETTER_ if the one in charge was the one with the better ideas on how to run the country?"

"_But its TRADITION! We've never voted for a king before."_

"And no one built a castle before…until the first time someone built a castle. Just because it's new, doesn't mean it's bad."

"_Tradition is important to me! I am shocked and offended that you would say such a thing!_"

"YOUR TRADITION DOESN'T MAKE SENSE! THERE'S NO REASON FOR IT!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…Okay…so I can't pretend that stupid people don't annoy me…" Robin conceded. "What's option number two?"

"We find an even more out of touch know-it-all to make you look better by comparison."

"Where are we going to find one of those?"

* * *

><p>"You want me to do WHAT!?" Miriel reacted not unlike Owain when Robin had first proposed fake-marriage.<p>

"Run for Exalt as a third party reform candidate," Robin didn't think it would take much convincing to get her into the race.

"We were just thinking; the people should have the pick of the most learned and capable minds in the realm when they make their choice." Owain flattered her. "It would be a _shame _if such a great thinker were to be absent from the arena of ideas."

"...It is true that the quantitative arts are most applicable to methods of governing…" Miriel considered. "The country would benefit immeasurably from my political and scientific acumen."

"Exactly! That's what we're saying!" Robin led her on.

"Perchance would you be urging this because you believe that by having a more intellectual candidate enter the race, you can triangulate between that candidate and Chrom to attract centrist voters who favor a balance of headiness and machismo?"

"Gods NO…of course not…that would be SO underhanded…"

"Regardless; I do believe I can do some good in this so-called arena of ideas. I'll do it."Miriel decided. "With my level of education and sociological awareness, convincing these troglodytes that I can best represent their interests should be as simple as linear regression."

"When you announce your candidacy, tell the people what you just said exactly the way you just told us." Robin advised.

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><p>Cast Your Vote! (Let's pretend for a moment that 3rd parties matter)<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

Whats with all the votes for Kellam? You people and your love of invisible knights...

* * *

><p><span>Robin For Exalt<span>

**"I did not have sexual relations with that woman."** -Bill Clinton-

* * *

><p>"Robin's jumped 15 points since Miriel threw her hat in the race." Chrom puzzled over the latest tracking polls. (Miriel has invented the tracking poll)<p>

"…I don't get it…" Lucina remembered what Robin had told her when she threatened to run. _You and Chrom split the loyalist vote, and I win by a landslide._ "Robin is a know-it-all policy wonk. Miriel is a know-it-all policy wonk. She should be siphoning off her base."

"Miriel is only at 7 percent." Sumia read the polls. "Even if EVERY vote in her corner came out of Chrom's support, that still doesn't cover the jump."

"Why?" Chrom asked.

"It means that Robin isn't just pulling ahead because Miriel's taking your votes. Robin herself is becoming more popular."

"But WHY?"

"...I haven't the foggiest idea..."

"Here it is." Lucina found the answer. "Look at the character fitness ratings; 30 percent of voters say Robin is too snobby to relate to the common man. Last week it was 60 percent..."

"…and that's Miriel's rating now..." Sumia saw the trick.

"Lucina; what is the number one reason why voters don't like me?" Chrom saw how to play a trick of his own.

"They say that you're too much of a meathead to sit the throne," Lucina read.

"…it does not say _meathead…"_

"…it actually says meathead…"

"What does that even mean?"

"It means they think you're a dumb jock." Sumia interjected and informed her lord husband.

"A dumb jock compared to Miriel or Robin, perhaps. What if there were an even BIGGER meathead in the race?"

"Where are we going to find one of those?" Lucina asked.

* * *

><p>"IT'S VAIKE TIME!" Everyone's favorite axe-man declared his candidacy. (Chrom sent him off to his campaigning with a whisper of "<em>Remember; you're just supposed to make me look good.") <em>

"Oh dear god, what have I done?" It suddenly occurred to Robin that if Ylisse's experiment in democracy went horribly wrong, it was all on her. _Exalt Vaike? Oh HELL no._

"Now, ol' Teach ain't exactly the thinkin' type. I'm a simple man with simple needs. But Teach thinks the fancy folk in their castles do too much. A fisherman knows how to fish. A farmer knows how to farm. EXALTS don't know how to fish or farm. So why do EXALTS get to tell you how to do it? What's up with that!?"

"Yeah! What's up with that!?" a disgruntled farmer repeated.

"WHAT'S UP WITH THAT!?" shouted another.

_…Oh NO…he's using populism!_ Robin mentally kicked herself.

"Here's what ol' Teach is gonna do for you! Teach is going to get rid of taxes. We don't need more taxes; we need less nobles! Exalt Teach is gonna do less, spend less, and let you keep more of your own money!"

"**MORE MONEY!LESS NOBLES! MORE MONEY! LESS NOBLES!"**

"You can't lower taxes because then we can't pay off Chrom's debts!" Robin shouted over the din of the crowd.

"…you also said you were going to cut their taxes…" Owain reminded her.

"This idiot's actually going to do it!" Robin did not detect a hint of falsehood in Vaike's pronouncement. "More importantly; people BELIEVE he's going to do it. He's going to win."

"Not necessarily," Miriel had answers. "I've developed a statistical package for the social sciences which quantifies the mood of the electorate by issue, region, gender, age bracket, and social status. It can compute with mathematical certainty which appeals will move which voters, and run permutations for every combination of appeals yielding a winning coalition."

"This isn't a problem you can solve with math." Robin brooded.

"Of course it is." Miriel insisted.

"Then why are you in last place. KELLAM got more votes than you, and he isn't even running."

"I have no interest in running a country. I only agreed to this mummer's farce to test my theory, which so far has predicted every tracking poll with perfect accuracy." Miriel wasn't really running for exalt in earnest. She was studying the process of running for exalt. "You should know; the boost you got from my entrance into the race is about to end."

"You don't need a mathematical formula to figure that out," Robin fully expected to be in third place by week's end if she didn't correct course. "There's two testosterone filled meatheads in the race now Owain; we'll go for women's issues. If we get 50 percent of the women's vote and Chrom and Vaike each get 25, and they split the men's vote evenly, I can get 20 percent of men and still win."

"Regional factors will supersede the gender factor," Miriel predicted. "The election will be decided by an urban-agrarian split in the electorate. Chrom is strong in the cities and townships. You win if you carry the rural vote and lose if it goes to Vaike."

Vaike at that moment was winning over farmers.

"What do your math say about rural voters?" Robin picked Miriel's brain.

"Socially conservative; distrustful of nobles; value frugality and work ethic; unresponsive to abstractions and institutionalist arguments; populist in their political leanings; best spoken to plainly." Miriel ran don her list of findings.

"Plainly, huh?" Robin had a thought. "Owain; do whatever you have to do to bring your dad on board. He's going to be our bumpkin surrogate."

"…That's going to be a problem…" Owain didn't think that was fair to Donnel. "Mother is supporting uncle Chrom. Father has to keep her happy."

"I don't care what alternate timeline future debt you need to call in to make Donny work for us. You make Donny work for us."

"…But mother will…"

"Your job is to keep YOUR wife happy." Robin did sexy things to the boy, and Owain did as he was told without further talk of Lissa.

Donnel, as it turned out, was the best surrogate a campaign could ask for. People didn't have a bad thing to say about him. No matter what he said, he sounded excited and authentic. He spoke plainly and common folk connected with him.

And on top of it all, he was Chrom's brother-in-law.

"Shucks folks; you couldn't ask for a sweeter Exalt then Robin!" he would tell the yokels. "Yeah; she acts all high-and-mighty. But if you were as sharp as this 'purdy lady, you'd actin' all high-and-mighty too! Robin knows what Chrom's been doing wrong and knows how to fix it!"

* * *

><p>"HOW THE HELL AM I IN THIRD!?" Chrom flung his poll numbers.<p>

"Vaike and Robin have been barn-storming hard. You have no base of appeal in the farmlands." Frederick informed him.

"Get Donny!"

"Donny is already campaigning for Robin." Lissa glowered.

"GAHHHHH!" _This is bad._ "Frederick; fetch me a notary."

"At once!"

"What are you going to do?" Lissa asked.

"I'm going to repeal the bread laws. And I shall decree that farmsteads may pay their taxes in the form of excess crop. Moreover, the crown shall deem sums paid in the form of grain to be greater than their cash equivalent in gold." Chrom didn't need surrogates to do his pandering. He could make bullshit laws.

"Won't that mean we have even less money?" Lissa questioned him.

"Less taxes but more exports…it will all balance out…" Chrom assured, with absolutely no credibility.

"Well at least Donny will be happy to know you're lifting the bread laws. His family HATED those." Lissa wrinkled her nose. Every visit to her husband's village had been a flurry of _When is your idiot brother going to stop with the price controls?_

"And I should think a personal visit from the queen would inspire the devotion of many a farmhand. Dispatch Sumia, that she might light a great fire in their hearts with her love of her exalt and peerless beauty!"

"Dispatching the queen is king's work," returned Frederick advised. (Sumia didn't take kindly to being bossed around like she was still just a common Shepherd)

"…so it is…" Chrom notarized his decree and went about the business of finding his wife. He found her talking with Cordelia. Whatever they were talking about must have been scandalous, from the look on both their faces. Cordelia went beet-red and muttered something unintelligible and hastily removed herself at the sight of him.

"What's this about?" Chrom asked of his wife.

"…you are not going to believe what I just heard…"

* * *

><p>"And that's why Ylisse needs a woman's touch. Remember ladies; when you cast your vote, say NO to patriarchy! Our voice matters; out of the homes and into the streets!" Robin pandered. <em>They want drek. I'll give them drek.<em>

"Here's a woman who didn't get ahead by marrying up!" Owain worked the crowd and took a thinly veiled swipe at the queen. "Everything Robin has is the result of hard work and talent; isn't that the kind of role model we want for our girls?"

Owain and Robin kissed convincingly enough to sell the image of a happy, wholesome marriage and spoke of the importance of family values.

"Nailed it!" Owain applauded the second they were out of the public spotlight. "You're getting better at this. Did you see the look on their faces when we kissed?"

"We've got all our bases covered now. I underestimated Chrom and ran a sloppy campaign in the beginning. That won't happen again." Robin had taken the lead and she intended to keep it. "We've got farmers, women, and values voters; if we hold that coalition we can't lose. All we have to do is work Chrom's negatives, keep our image control tight, and not get bogged down in any corruption investigations or sex scandals…"

"**YOU!" **Severa stormed into Robin campaign headquarters and angrily assailed Owain.

"Owww!"Owain bled from a gash in the head where Severa threw a shoe at him. "What was that for!?"

"**I'm pregnant, asshole!"**


	5. Chapter 5

Most of you are still voting for Robin. How sleazy does she have to get before this is no longer the case? Lets find out…

* * *

><p><span>Robin For Exalt<span>

"**How do you know if a politician is lying? His lips are moving." **–Unknown-

* * *

><p>"YOU'RE STILL SLEEPING WITH SEVERA!?" It was Robin's turn to throw things now.<p>

"…In my defense…you made it very clear our marriage was a sham…" Owain ducked and dodged a tea kettle.

"IT HAS TO LOOK REAL! IF YOU'RE BALLS DEEP IN EX-GIRLFRIENDS, IT DOESN'T LOOK REAL!"

"How do you even know it's mine?" Owain protested.

"It's yours." Severa assured.

"It could be Inigo's. How do you know it's not Inigo's?"

"…Because…"

"Because what?"

"Because we didn't do it in the way that gets you pregnant."

"OH MY GOD!" Robin wretched. These were the things people were going to be talking about instead of her plans for governing. "Who else knows about this?"

"…My mother…"

"Which means Sumia knows. Which means Chrom knows." _Damn it Owain. _"Who else?"

"No one."

"No one?"

"No one."

"Have you considered abor—"

"No. We're not doing that."

"Right then. We deny everything and say it's Inigo's baby," Robin decided.

"But it isn't." Severa restated.

"Nobody can prove that." _At least n__ot until the little bastard is born with The Brand, but by then I'll be Exalt._

"I'll tell them you're lying." Severa threatened.

"I'll tell them you're the village bicycle." Robin threatened right back. "Now you could say things and I could say things and we could make each other's lives very unpleasant. But that's aggravation that neither of us want. So lets make a deal."

"What kind of deal?" Robin was working an angle, and Severa saw that Robin was working an angle.

"I skim some funds off the campaign and pay you hush money. You say Inigo is the father and disappear for a while. You make bank. I hold my lead. Everybody wins."

"_Ummmm_…Isn't misusing campaign funds a bigger scandal then adultery?" Owain voiced concerns.

"How much bank?" Robin had Severa's attention.

"Name your price."

"I want a life estate in Cornwood and a cushy government job if you win."

"I will create a Ministry of Accountability to oversee the Ministry of Oversight and name you chief officer. You'll never have to work a day in your life."

"…That's right…I remember now…it WAS Inigo…" Severa played her part.

"This is campaign fraud, corruption of public office, and extortion." Owain felt dirty, and not because of the sex.

"Tomorrow when King Chrom addresses the people there will be one of two headlines. _**Grandmaster Robin Takes Commanding Lead; Voters Connect on Family Values **_or _**Grandmaster Robin Preaches Family Values while Husband Impregnates Unwed Teenager**_." Robin took a stand. "DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK! You're the one who put a baby in her…"

"..."

"...is what we would be saying if it wasn't Inigo's…" Robin added.

"Its just SEX! Are people REALLY going to care that much!?" It still seemed to Owain that the cover-up was worse than the crime.

"You there…herdsman…" Robin pulled a random cattle rancher off the street, just to prove a point. "Who are you voting for?"

"Vaike."

"Why?"

"He gits it. We don't need no big gub'mint; ain't nothing they do worth 50 million gold! Taxman don't work for no one but the noble."

"So you like Vaike's positions and think he'd do the best job?"

"You betcha!"

"And who were you voting for before Vaike entered the race?"

"You."

"Of course you were. Now; what if you found out that Nowi cheated on Vaike with my lord husband?

"…Why then I guess I would be voting for Chrom…can't run a country if you can't even run your own marriage..."

"There ya go champ." Robin's point was proven, and Owain relented.

"…Soooooo…we're good now?" Severa prodded.

"Get out of here," Robin gave her the boot.

Robin knew that if the scandal went public her campaign was done.

What Robin didn't know was that Severa was working for Chrom.

* * *

><p>"Robin is morally unfit to be your Exalt! She'll say anything and do anything to gain power; you cannot trust her!" King Chrom spoke to the people.<p>

_Whats this now?_ That was a very different attack then the one Robin had been expecting.

"I told her that I was pregnant with Owain's child!" Severa announced "First she told me to kill it. Then she told me she'd use campaign money to buy my silence. Then she told me she'd create a new ministry and put me in charge of it if I said Owain wasn't the father."

_Oh, that dirty double-crossing** WHORE! **_Robin. Was. PISSED.

"People of Ylisse; I may not be the wisest King who ever lived. At times I may blunder. But when I blunder I will tell you and I will humble myself in sorrow, and knowing that I have blundered I will strive to do better. I will never play you false."

And Chrom spoke at great length about honor and integrity; how the most important quality a leader could have was trustworthiness. Sumia and Lucina praised Chrom's honor as a genuine family man, and Severa spoke against Robin. By the time they were done, the crowd was roused into a great tumult.

"…well it was nice while it lasted…"Owain resigned himself to a public shaming and swift exit from the race. "Do we concede now or later?"

"Do you want to win?" Robin asked of him.

"There's no coming back from this." Owain felt the judging eyes upon him.

"Bullshit. Follow my lead." Robin took to the podium and spoke against the Exalt. "A DESPERATE PLOY FROM A DESPERATE KING; SEE HOW HE MUST BESMIRCH MY CHARACTER BECAUSE HE CANNOT COMPETE AGAINST MY IDEAS! I SPEAK OF TRADE AND JOBS AND PRUDENT SPENDING, AND HE ANSWERS WITH SLANDERS MOST FOUL!"

"LIAR!" Severa spat. "You…"

"Hold your tongue harlot!" Robin feigned outrage "YOU come before ME threatening to ruin my good name with claims my husband sired your bastard unless I pay your blackmail. Now you not only slander my marriage, you accuse me of corruption!?"

"WHAT!?" Severa was taken aback by the sheer audacity of the charge.

"Tell it true; was it your scheme, or Chrom's?"

"How DARE you!" Chrom would not have his character called into question. "My good and noble people; let not the trickery of this wicked woman deceive you. You know me by my works; an honest man I shall ever be, as an honest man I have ever been. So to do you know Robin; her's is the domain of plots and secrecies, and if there is scheming afoot it is her doing!"

"Yes _Your Grace_, I plot. I scheme. I keep my secrets. My plots and schemes are the reason your people aren't speaking Valmese and my secrets the reason you aren't licking The Conqueror's boot or worse; have you already forgotten!?" _I was a better leader of the Shepherds than you. And I'll be a better leader of Ylisse_, Robin let the implication hang. "I will be a strong Exalt because I know when to tell a truth and when to keep a secret. But I am not a crook, I will never hatch a scheme that isn't in the best interest of Ylisse, and I will not have my reputation tarnished by a petulant, ill-tempered, _**WHORE**_!"

Chrom was at a loss, Severa ran away crying, and the crowd didn't know quite what to make of the sordid, sordid spectacle.

Some would say that Chrom was more believable in his sincerity. Some would say that Robin was been more believable in her passion. Some would say that even if Robin told it true, the cruelty with which she had thrown Severa to the wolves was nothing short of repugnant.

"You're the devil." Cordelia confronted Robin when the crowd's parted.

"You should be ashamed of yourself. How could you do that to poor Severa?" Sumia berated.

"I want to speak to my son." Lissa demanded. "OWAIN!"

"…Mother…" Owain at least had the decency to bow his head in shame.

"What REALLY happened. The TRUTH!" Lissa asked of him.

"…I…" Owain looked to Robin. Then to Lissa. Then to Robin again. Then said: "I haven't been with Severa since we broke up. She told me she's sleeping with Inigo now and that he got her pregnant, but that she thought she could blackmail Robin by saying it was me. She wanted a mansion and a governorship."

"…"

"There you have it; the truth's out!" Robin led her husband away and evaded further questions. "Come Owain; we've got a campaign to run!"

And then they were gone.

"…He's the real dad…" Lissa spoke definitively. Owain could act his way through a camp of bandits, but he couldn't pull one past her. Lissa knew when her son was lying.

"Robin can't win," Sumia decided. "I don't even care if Chrom loses to Vaike; he'll at least do an honest job. Robin's a snake."

"…A snake with fangs…" Cordelia had a devastated child to attend to because those fangs had bite. "How do we clip them?"

"…I have a few ideas…" Chrom may have been above scheming. Sumia wasn't.


	6. Chapter 6

Things got a little heavy last chapter. Don't worry people. Robin and Chrom are still friends.

* * *

><p><span>Robin For Exalt<span>

**"Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it."**-Mark Twain-

* * *

><p>"<strong>WE LIKE VAIKE! WE LIKE VAIKE!" <strong>Severagate had left Chrom and Robin with the appearance of unclean hands, and one man was the clear beneficiary.

"Thank you! Thank you!" The Vaike spoke to his ever-expanding throng. "Teach is gonna answer all your questions! But first, a word from my good friend Kellam!"

"Ummmmm…hello…" Kellam took the stage, awkwardly. "It's come to my attention there's a rumor going around about me running for Exalt. No; I have not been campaigning while no one noticed. I actually don't even live here anymore. I moved to Rosanne with Cherche. Please stop voting for me. If elected, I will not serve."

"AllllllllRiGHT! IT'S VAIKE TIME!" Vaike retook the stage "Class in session; Teach is gonna take all y'all to school. You with the pot on your head…why is that a thing here…"

"What's your opinion on Severagate?" A Donnel-like creature asked. "Who do you believe?"

"Whole thing's ridiculous; Teach ain't gonna get involved in that garbage." Vaike opined. "Ya' ask me, the both of em should have kept it private. Ain't nobody's business. You there…woman with the freckles and headscarf…"

"Is it true that if you win, you'll change the Exalt's title to Supreme Master Big Nuts."

"What do I look; stupid!?" _Although that does sound kind of kickass. _"If I win, my title will be His Royal Vaikeness! You …buck-toothed man…"

"You've admitted you don't know much about governing. As Exalt, how will you…"

"…His Royal Vaikness…" Vaike corrected.

"As His Royal Vaikness, who will advise you on matters of state?" Vaike got asked an actual policy question.

"Excellent question!" Vaike was, remarkably, prepared to answer. "Now Teach won't be needing as many advisers 'cause Teach ain't gonna do as much. Limited government and whatnot…"

"**Less nobles; more money! Less nobles; more money!" **

"Yeah; that stuff. But Teach WILL need advisers. GOOD advisers. Advisers who know what's what, but aren't up their own ass with puffy heads and big ideas. Most important things gonna be makin' sure we keep our gold straight. That's why I'm naming Anna Master of Coin; come up here and let em' get a look at you Anna!"

"Hellllllloo Cuties! Boy; there sure are a lot of handsome men in this crowd! Give yourselves a round of applause!" Anna made her campaign trail debut, and Vaike's already surging poll numbers went through the roof.

"…I was wondering when you were going to show up…" Sumia made it her business to grab a private moment with Anna after the rally. "All the money in this race; I'm surprised it took this long…"

"Oh! Sumia!" Anna hadn't received a visit from the queen since she opened shop in downtown Ylisstol. That Sumia would have words with her the day she declared for a rival to her husband seemed just a tad passive-aggressive, and so Anna responded in kind. "No hard feelings, I hope. I gladly would have offered my services to Lord Chrom, but he couldn't be bothered to reach out to me. Imagine that!"

"No need for that. The last thing Chrom needs is another scandal; I'm sure he wouldn't want the trouble of having to explain why his Master of Coin is a common smut peddler."

"Beg your pardon?"

"It seems that a certain shop has been circulating certain images of the Shepherd's last trip to the Hotrealms. Images taken without our knowledge or consent. The captions are nothing short of pornographic."

"Surely, I don't know what you're talking about."

"_Sporty Redhead shows Fiery Bush and Rides Reverse Cowgirl. _Sully would gut you just for the F_iery Bush_ part if these got back to her."

"…anyone could have taken those pictures…" Anna admitted nothing.

"_Foxy Feroxi flashes rockin' tits and gives perfect_ _blowjob_.Olivia might not be too scary; but Lon'qu? Not even being a woman would save you…"

"…did I mention I have an evil twin…"

"_Tiny dragon-girl bends over and spreads for deep…_oh my….how would Vaike's fans like a GRAPHIC reminder that he married a girl who can pass for 12?_"_

"Okay. Okay. What do you want?" Anna yielded.

"The device that you used to take those pictures….you called it a camera…" Sumia cut to the chase. "Give it to me."

Obtaining the device by blackmail was the first thing Sumia did.

The second thing she did was inform Kellam that she had a job for him.

* * *

><p>"How bad is it?" Robin hoped for the best and prepared for the worst.<p>

"Could be better. Could be much, much worse." Owain broke down her numbers. "You took a HUGE hit in the woman's vote. You're still in the race…but damn…teenage girls hate you now…"

"Teenage girls are idiots. We can win them back with a concert and street fair." Robin considered. "What of the farmlands?"

"More inclined to believe your story than Chrom's. Even there though; undecideds are breaking for Vaike."

"Not the ideal field, but I've worked with worse." Snatching victory from the jaws of defeat was Robin's stock-and-trade. Somehow, someway, she would make it work.

"Father isn't going to barnstorm for you anymore. Mother gave him a stern what-for."

"Donny did his job. We've got our foothold." Robin was unperturbed by this development. "Losing women is the bigger problem. That was our firewall. Starting tomorrow, we'll…"

"Knock Knock," an unexpected visitor invited himself in.

"Chrom!" her Exalt and rival was the last person in the world Robin expected to see in her headquarters. "W-what are you doing here?"

"Can't a man catch up with an old friend?" Chrom sat himself at her table and offered a bottle of fine Moscato. "We're still friends aren't we; you didn't forget that while you were off practicing politics?"

"Through hell or high water." Robin's and Chrom's was a very peculiar sort of love/hate relationship; the kind that was never stronger than when they were at eah other's throats. "Still…you shouldn't be here…people might get the wrong ideas…"

"Bollocks! We haven't had a good heart-to-heart since you started running against me." Chrom poured a glass of wine for himself and a glass for his grandmaster.

"…but…"

"You've convinced half the realm you're madly in love with my nephew. What ideas are people going to get that you can't fib your way out of?" Chrom lifted his glass. "Owain! A moment alone with my grandmaster, if you would be so kind?"

"…Now see here…that's my wife…"

"And Severa's the mother of your child. Little good that did her."

"Did you really come here just to throw that in my face? I told you, it isn't true!"

"Oh, hush boy. Bullshit is for the campaign trail; leave it where it belongs. You owe your mother an apology by the way."

"Don't talk to me like I'm still a child!"

"You are a child."

"I AM A…"

"Its okay Owain. Leave us." Robin sent him away before he threw a tantrum. "Why ARE you here?" She asked of Chrom when there were no other ears in the room.

"Why do you think?"

"I think you just saw your best shot at taking me out of the race slip through your fingers and you're getting nervous." Robin swirled her wine and sipped.

"Aye; that was quite the stunt you pulled. Part of me was hoping it would take you out, and part of me just wanted to see how you'd wheedle your way out of it." Chrom didn't sound the least bit nervous. "Severa's on suicide watch. Was that really necessary?"

"I told her what would happen if she tried to fuck me. And she tried to fuck me."

"Noooooooo; I tried to fuck you. Severa was just the patsy." Chrom set the record straight.

"I'm aware." Robin knew how this game was played. "Don't worry. I'm gonna get you good."

"Gods almighty Robin; you're a pain in my ass." Chrom drank deep. "That's why I married Sumia."

"…And here I thought it was the rhubarb pies…" Robin teased, knowing full well that Chrom hated those stupid pies. The only pie Chrom had wanted was the one he saw that time he had walked in on her bathing.

It was rumored among the people—and common knowledge among the Shepherds—that then-Captain Chrom had entertained a brief (and intensely physical) romantic fling with a certain tactician before settling down with his queen.

"We were pretty wild back then, weren't we?" Chrom laughed and got that twinkle in his eye and smiled his dashing prince's smile. "The places we did it…it's a miracle the only one who ever caught us was Frederick…"

"Now people really ARE going to get the wrong idea." _Damn it; he's doing it again. _Robin flushed and reminded herself that this was the man she would be maligning come the morrow, and made a conscious effort not to get drawn in by his charm. "Please tell me you didn't come all this way just to discuss our youthful fornications?"

"Yes and no." Chrom admitted. "I came here to remind you what an amazing team we make. And to show you this," Chrom produced the latest tracking poll. "Read it and weep."

"…This can't be…"Robin read the data.

Vaike was winning.

"We've been tearing each other down while Vaike coasts and treating him as a non-threat." Chrom diagnosed the problem. "That needs to stop right now."

"Agreed." _If Vaike wins, I'm moving to Regna Ferox. _"…So what…you want to do a coordinated take-down?"

"That's the plan," Chrom handed Robin a folder of opposition research. "Vaike just named Anna his Master of Coin; this is all the dirt we've got on her. He didn't vet her at all. She's selling black market pornography of the Shepherd's, and that's not even top three on the list of things we can turn into scandals. These are the business records from the 'spa' she runs at the hot springs; it's really a brothel. This is a report from the Master of Interior on outstanding obligations to the crown; she's grossing 400,000 gold per month and hasn't paid taxes in 5 years…"

"…Yep…That'll do it…" Robin already knew the perfect angle. Good for Chrom; gathering all this useful information. "You know; if you ran your country half as well as you run your campaign, I never would have had to run against you in the first place."

"For what it's worth, I think you would be a great Exalt." Chrom confided. "Ask me in public, and I'll say you eat babies."

"And for what it's worth, I think you're maturing into a good king." Robin returned the compliment. "Ask me in public, and I'll say you molest livestock."

"Right. This conversation never happened," Chrom took his leave. "Oh; and Robin. One more thing."

"Yes?"

"Sumia wants you out of the race, and she's going to try something nasty. Stay sharp."

"Bring it, bitch."


	7. Chapter 7

**Thank you, thank you, to everyone reading and responding to this fic.**

**I do this thing where I pimp my less popular stories in my more popular ones. It is in that spirit that I say to you: If you're reading this story and you like it and you also like FE7, check out "The Learning Curve" (I put WAY more work into that story. The lack of viewership and feedback on recent chapters has been disheartening). If you are reading this and you have already read and responded to "The Learning Curve," you are of course an awesome person.**

**Also have this (very, very M-Rated) thing called "Rock and Roll Creation" in the pipeline, but I'll attribute the lack of interest in that one to shoddy workmanship. Or possibly to younger viewers not wanting to read about their beloved Cordelia doing cocaine and punching bitches in the face...I don't know...  
><strong>

**Anyways; back to the campaign!**

* * *

><p><span>Robin For Exalt<span>

"**Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same" -Oscar Wilde-**

* * *

><p>"Revenue streams…the problem is revenue streams…" Chrom muttered to no one in particular and tapped his pen and moved numbers around the royal ledger. Robin wasn't doing his work for him anymore, which meant that Chrom actually had to balance his own budget.<p>

Anna as it turned out was just the tip of the iceberg; Chrom hadn't realized until this very moment just how much money he was losing because the wealthiest Ylisseans were exploiting, avoiding or otherwise wiping their ass with the tax code. _Maribelle's parents are reporting 19,000 in taxable income. That's bullshit; they're both millionaires. Hierarch Haggerty is reporting full payment in deductions from charitable donations. He donated to a vineyard that he owns. GODS; whats the point of having an estate tax if no one pays the damn thing!?_

"Queen's convoy returning from the farmlands!" Sir Frederick reported. "The campaign events went well enough, _**bu**__t_…"

"…What now…" There was something about that _**but **_that told Chrom he was in for another headache.

"You should speak to Sumia," Frederick counseled. "She seems...cross…"

"Why?"

"You should speak to Sumia." Frederick repeated tersely and gave no further details.

"Seven Hells!" Chrom closed his ledger. It occurred to him that the reason he had started dumping all his work on Robin in the first place was so that he could better attend to his marital duties. _Sumia was supposed to be the drama-free wife._

There was no such thing as drama-free.

"Sumia!" Chrom made to greet his wife warmly and mark her return with hugs and cuddles. But she did not return his affections, and offered only a dispassionate "…Chrom…" by way of acknowledgment.

"Okay; what did I do?" Chrom sighed.

"Nothing."

_Really? We're playing this game now? _"I must have done something. You're mad at me."

"I'm not mad. Why would I be mad?"

"I don't know; you tell me!"

"What were you doing while I was out in the farmlands?"

"The same thing you were doing. Campaigning."

"_**Campaigning**_?"

"Governing too. I think I'm finally starting to get a knack for ledgers; its like learning a new weapon." _Except without any of the things that make learning a new weapon fun._

"That's all?"

"Pretty much; yeah. My life really isn't that exciting." _Not since we murdered Grima's face._

"There's nothing else you want to tell me?"

"Nope."

"So if I had a device that showed me where you were and what you were doing while I was away from the capital, I wouldn't see you drinking alone and flirting with Robin?"

"Oh. That."

"..."

"We were talking campaign strategy and trying to figure out what to do about Vaike. I was not _FLIRTING_."

"You brought _**Moscato**_."

"I was being polite."

"You were trying to seduce her."

"What!? No; I would never!" _I WAS trying to seduce her. How does she bloody know that?_

"Liar! You're sleeping with her again, aren't you?"

"Now you're just being ridiculous."

"So I WASN'T being ridiculous when I said you were flirting with her?"

"…No…that's not what I…"

"LIAR!"

"Fine! I used some charm to throw her off her game. Its just to take down Vaike and keep her off my back; there's nothing going on between us."

"…"

"You don't believe me!?"

"…"

"I don't know where this insecurity is coming from. Sumia…I swear…I'm…"

"YOU HAD HER IN YOUR BED THREE DAYS BEFORE OUR WEDDING!"

_Annnndddd we're back to this again._

"Then you named her grandmaster! Then you gave her free run of the castle! Then you stopped holding court and gave her all your duties! Now she's trying to take your throne and you're HELPING her! GODS; its like you've been TRYING to make her queen ever since you married me!"

"If I wanted Robin to be my queen I would have married her. I married YOU." Once more, Chrom put his princely charms to good use. "I love you. You know I love you. I've been nothing but fiathful since the day we said our vows. Things are just…weird right now…"

"Why are you helping her?"

"Because Vaike is going to win if we don't call a truce."

"So what if he does? Theres worse things in the world than Vaike winning." _Like Robin winning._

"I'm going to win. I'm THE EXALT." Chrom had better reason than mere ego to be confident of that now. "As long as we can break Vaike's lead—and with me and Robin both working at it, we WILL break Vaike's lead—Robin herself is going to be easy pickings. I've got a bomb to drop on her that no amount of wordplay or political posturing is going to deflect, and once it drops her campaign is over. But If I have to lose—and I _won't_—I'd rather lose to someone who knows how to govern than to the axe man who shows up to battle without his axe."

"Your're saying you'd rather see a sleazeball with governing skills run Ylisse than a good and honest dullard?

"That I am."

"Then why are you still running?"

"Because I know I can do better." Of this Chrom had never been more certain. "And I know I can do better without all the lies and secrets and unseemliness that Robin thinks is as good for governing as for winning wars."

"You were supposed to be working with Vaike to take out Robin, not working with Robin to take out Vaike."

"Vaike was supposed to be a joke candidate, not in it to win it. And not for nothing; but do you know what people are going to think if they see me and Robin breaking him down? _**Oh; when Chrom is King and Robin is Grandmaster, work gets done. There's absolutely no reason we need to change that.**_"

"And you swear that's the ONLY reason you're back together?"

"We're not _**back together**_. We shared one bottle of wine and talked politics."

"You didn't talk about anything else?"

_We made fun of your Rhubarb pies, drank to all the wild and crazy sex we use to have before I married you, and I warned that you were plotting against her. That last part was just to distract from how I'M plotting against her, but still… _"Nothing else. Cross my heart; hope to die."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Fine. I believe you." Sumia was satisfied. "I was gonna back Robin into one of her fibs, then prove her a liar and a fraud with on camera…."

:..the fuck is a _camera_?"

"Unimportant. Whats your plan?"

"Its super, super secret. You can't tell anybody. Promise?"

"Cross my heart; hope to die."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Not even Lucina?"

"Don't tell anybody."

"Alright, Alright. Spill the beans.

"Right. We're going to…" Chrom leaned in and whispered.

"Oh WOW…that's mean…" Sumia almost felt sorry for Robin. Almost. "When is this happening?"

"The day before the polls open. Its going to be the last thing on Ylisse's mind when the people go to cast their vote.

"Beautiful."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Can I tell Cordelia?"

" DON'T. TELL. ANYBODY."

* * *

><p>"Goodness Anna…that's quite the crowd you've drawn…" Robin sprung the trap. She couldn't ask for a more public forum. "Such speeches you must be giving to draw them so!"<p>

"Awww; aren't you sweet!" Anna winked and played the bubbly airhead (the woman could out-act Owain on a good day). "Just spreading the word; Ylisse will never have a budget crisis again with His Royal Vaikeness on the Throne and Amazing Anna in the Treasury!"

"Yes…budget crises…damnable things…" Robin stole a spot on Anna's podium. "Why do we have those again?"

"Because King Chrom spends like a drunken sailor, silly!"

"Is that the reason for it?" Robin stole a spot on Anna's podium and put on her _**I'm Outraged! **_face. "Or is it because the rich aren't paying their fair share!?"

"_What are you doing?" _Anna hissed. Quietly.

"PEOPLE OF YLISSE!" Robin shouted. "Did you know that last year, the head of the Merchant's Guild only paid 200 gold in taxes?"

"**200 gold!?"**

"**Is that true!?"**

"**I pay more than that!"**

"The dockhands moving the guild's freight pay more than the guildmaster! Ylisse has the wealth to keep the roads paved and the streets clean and pay for all of Chrom's frivolities and then some. Bankers and bosses horde it, then tell you there isn't enough money to make government do the people's work without raising YOUR taxes. Is that fair!?"

"**Hell no!"**

Are you going to take it!?"

"**HELL NO!"**

"Now see here!" Anna attempted to retake control of the mob. "Vaike WILL do the people's work. And if you aren't a millionaire, Vaike will NOT raise your taxes. We believe that…"

"…How much do you pay in taxes?" Robin asked.

"Beg your pardon?"

"You're a _**millionaire**_."

"I'm a _**successful businesswoman**__." _

"How much do you pay in taxes?"

"That's not the issue. The issue is YOUR government wasting YOUR money on…"

"How much do you pay in taxes?"

"Forty-Seven percent of Ylisseans don't even pay more than they…"

"How much . Do you pay. In _**TAXES**_?"

"…I don't like what you're insinuating…"

"I insinuate only that the wealthiest Ylisseans should do their part to fund the upkeep of this great country which allowed them to become wealthy; that there is something fundamentally unjust about benefiting from the boons of lawfulness and social order and then doing nothing to preserve those boons for prosperity. Something offensive to common notions of decency and fair play. Would you agree?"

"…"

"Would you agree?"

"Of course. Anyone who disagrees would be entirely unfit to hold public office."

"I'm so glad we're on the same page," Robin left the podium. "...Oh...You may now be interested to know that when Chrom wasn't paying attention to what he was signing, I wrote Miranda Rights into the Penal Code. _**Frederick!"**_

"Miranda what now—_**eeeeeeeeek**_!" Anna fell beneath a rush of great knight.

"You're under arrest for tax evasion, racketeering, fraud, larceny, obstruction of justice, and conspiracy to commit prostitution," Frederick tackled her to the ground and applied handcuffs. "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law..."


	8. Chapter 8

**I am going to get soooo much shit for this chapter. Oh well…when you gotta write, you gotta write… (The thing about writing political satire is that sometimes you turn on the news, and your chapter just writes itself)**

**With this latest installment, the genre is officially changed from "Humor" to "Humor/Parody"**

* * *

><p><span>Robin for Exalt<span>

**"Fuck the Police."** -N.W.A.-

* * *

><p>"WHY DID YOU TACKLE HER!?" Sumia shouted. Not because she was outraged (she WAS outraged), but to be heard over the hordes of protestors picketing and chanting at the castle gates.<p>

"She was reaching for my sword. I felt threatened."

"Twenty-Seven witnesses said she was not reaching for your sword." Chrom had never known Frederick to be a liar. But his story was, quite frankly, unbelievable.

"I had reason to believe from my years of combat training that she was about to reach for my sword, based on movement s not readily perceivable to a civilian crowd."

"…You broke her neck…" Lissa gaped.

"That was not my intention."

"YOU BROKE HER NECK!" Lissa repeated, louder and angrier.

"Even people who believe that Anna reached for your sword don't believe you needed to use that much force to subdue her." Lucina weighed in.

"…Your point being?" Sir Frederick was unmoved.

"What do you mean _**my point being**_!? You can't use lethal force against a civilian unless there's a clear and immediate threat to your life or to public safety. It's the LAW!"

"Incorrect," Frederick recited the applicable statute from memory. "An officer of the law may use lethal force against any suspect who has committed or attempted to commit a felony, as he reasonably believes is necessary in effecting an arrest."

"…that is not the law…" Chrom too was under the impression that Ylissean knights could not kill Ylissean civilians unless there was an immediate threat to the officer's life or to the public safety.

"It's the law." Frederick assured him.

"Impossible; if that's the law, how could you EVER indict a knight for killing a civilian? All a knight has to do is testify he believed the killing to be reasonable at the time and it becomes lawful...how is that a thing…"

"I didn't write it. The law favors the presumption that whenever an officer of the law uses force he does so lawfully; ask the hierarchs why."

"Someone run down to the royal library and check the penal code," Chrom wanted this sourced. "This is a free country; there's no way that's the law."

"…On it…" Sumia moved.

**CRASH!**

A brick flew through the window of Chrom's throne room, and the sounds of rioting spilled through the shattered glass.

"Shall I arrest these vandals?" Frederick tended to the damages.

"…Please don't…" Chrom sunk into his throne and cradled his forehead in exacerbation. "Today's headline was supposed to be _**Top Financial Adviser to Vaike Campaign Arrested for Defrauding the Crown**_, not _**No Murder Charges After Unarmed Woman Killed in Public Arrest; Thousands Riot Over Knight Brutality**_."

"…they're really going at it out there…" Lissa backed away from the windows. "No one's even talking about debt or taxes or sex scandals."

"People get really, really mad when civilians are publicly murdered by law enforcement and no one is punished." Lucina couldn't say she blamed them.

"It was not _**murder**__!_" Frederick insisted. "Murder is unlawful. I followed the law to the letter."

"If you followed the law to the letter, there is something seriously wrong with the law." Lucina jabbed.

"Perhaps and perhaps not; it is not my place to say. But if there is a defect in the law, the only ones who suffer for it are criminals." Sir Frederick still was unmoved. "Do nothing that you can be arrested for, and you need not fear what can be done to your person in a lawful arrest."

"You can be arrested for selling black-market cigarettes; does that mean you can kill people for doing it!?"

"If I reasonably believe that use of lethal force is necessary to effect the arrest, yes, I can." Frederick knew his law.

"…that's the most horrible thing I've ever heard…" Lucina had half a mind to join the rioters right then-and-there.

"How do we get out from this?" Chrom asked the obvious question.

"Can I give the obvious answer?" Lucina offered.

"How do we get out of this _without feeding Frederick to an angry mob_?" Chrom amended his question.

"Oh, Oh; I know!" Lissa had an idea. "What if we haul Frederick into court just to say that we did it—you know—to show people that the system works! There'd be a judge and we'd put witnesses against him. Then we'd say there isn't enough evidence that he broke the law to charge him with anything and let him go before trial"

"I'm pretty sure _**we investigated ourselves and cleared ourselves of any wrongdoing **_would just make people angrier," Lucina opined. "And make them think the whole system is broken."

"If the law is what Frederick says it is, the whole system IS broken." Chrom did not hide his sentiments on the matter.

"…found it…" Sumia returned with a textbook on Criminal Law.

"What does it say?" Chrom asked apprehensively.

"_Chapter 563, Section 046.1, Subheading 3(a)-2_**," **Sumia read aloud. _"__A law enforcement officer in effecting an arrest or in preventing an escape from custody is justified in using deadly force __when he reasonably believes that such use of deadly force is immediately necessary to effect the arrest and also reasonably believes that the person to be arrested has committed or attempted to commit a felony."_

"…That is terrifyingly vague..." Such laws should not exist in free nations, Lucina thought.

"You don't even have to do anything or attempt to do anything illegal; a knight just has to **_believe _**you did?" Chrom was dumbfounded.

"…that's what it says…" Sumia hadn't skipped a word.

"Shouldn't it be—I don't know—harder to legally kill citizens of the Halidom?" Lissa tried to imagine a scenario where a knight on duty COULDN'T raise a meritorious defense of lawfulness under the existing law.

"…there's more…" Sumia read the accompanying footnotes. "In the past year, over 400 Ylisseans have been killed by knights on duty."

"Surely you do not object to ridding the halidom of violent criminals!?" Frederick challenged.

"Violent crime rates in the halidom are the lowest they've been in 30 years. The number of civilians killed per annum by knights has climbed throughout this period, and is higher now than its ever been," Sumia continued.

"…I retract my previous statement…" Frederick ceded the point.

"At last measure, citizens being killed by knights of Ylisse were three percent of all homicides in the halidom. This is likely an underestimate, because the laws requiring knight commanders to report the killing of civilians by their officers are not enforced and only self-enforcing commanders comply. In the history of the halidom only13 knights have ever been successfully convicted of murder."

"That's…_errrrrrr_…give me a moment…" Frederick didn't have a good comeback for any of that.

"…Right…I've heard enough…" King Chrom rose. "The people cry out for justice and their Exalt hears them. I will make this right."

"There's one more thing." Sumia cautioned.

"What else?" Chrom could only hope it was nothing too awful.

"Robin is in the streets marching with the protestors."

"…Of course she is…"

* * *

><p>"This tome is banned from non-military use in five countries. <em><strong>BOLOGNONE!<strong>_" Robin demonstrated the effects of high-level fire magic on a covered wagon and vaporized it in a single blast.

"_**THAT'S**_** what law mages are allowed to wield against us!?"**

"**This is a bloody police state!"**

"**NO JUSTICE; NO PEACE! NO JUSTICE; NO PEACE!" **

"Stop it." Owain dragged her out of the limelight. "You're inciting a riot."

"These people were rioting before I got here and are going to riot regardless of what I say, and they have every reason to. Justice demands it...or something. But I'll be damned if I'm going to let a perfectly good crisis of confidence in government efficacy go to waste; this is political gold." Robin wasn't inciting. She was riding the wave.

Owain saw her back into the fray, turned away, and vomited. That at a moment like this politicians could think of only of how to extend their political brands was nothing short of sickening.

"Where is Justice!? Where is your King!?" Robin challenged. "It is his knights that the law cannot hold to account! Does he hear you!? Is he moved!?"

At that very moment the royal trumpets blared.

"**The Exalt speaks!" **

"**He HAS heard us!"**

"**Bollocks; he'll send his knights against us and run us off like they always do!"**

"PEOPLE OF YLISSE!**" **Chrom addressed the unruly masses. "You are right to shake the nation with your protests; there has been a gross miscarriage of justice! No single act and no single actor has brought us here. No single act and no single actor can be punished to make it right; it is a deeper failure—a failure of law—one that can only be corrected by a change of law."

The rioting quelled, the people hung on their Exalt's every word, and never had Robin ever looked upon Chrom and seen a worthier king.

"This much is now plain; there must be more accountability for officers of the law to ensure that they are not above the law. The following reforms shall be effective IMMEDIATELY!

(1) No officer may use lethal force in effecting an arrest, except as necessary to save a life or for the public safety. This shall be the law of every province. Your king commands it.

(2) All knights must wear the device that Anna called a _camera_ while on duty. No use of force by a knight against a civilian shall be lawful, unless deemed objectively reasonable by a reviewing magistrate upon review of the camera feed. Your king commands it.

(3) All cases in which a knight kills a civilian shall be subject to adequate and independent review. No knight may be cleared of wrongdoing, except by a civilian court of non-knights. Your king commands it.

I understand that this is a painful time for our people, and that we must come together to heal. I trust at this moment we can put political differences aside, and do what needs to be done for the good of the halidom. So help us God."

All eyes turned to Robin.

_This is the part where I'm supposed to say everything Chrom just said is wrong, accuse him of advocating lawlessness, and tell everyone who thinks the king is advocating lawlessness to give me money._

"…My opponent…" At this moment, Robin realized, she could refrain from completely selling her soul and do the right thing. Or she could become Rush Limbaugh.

_Infernal Spawn of Grima and Avatar of Armageddon I might be, but I am NOT Rush Limbaugh. _

"My opponent and I disagree on many things. But today he is in the right and he speaks sincerely for the good of Ylisse. This anger…this violence…we are better than this as a people. Let us come together and heal."

"What about Frederick!?" Vaike called out. Not to be incendiary; but because he didn't know any better.

_Vaike; you fucking moron._ Robin facepalmed.

"What about him?" Chrom answered.

"Will Frederick be charged with a crime for killing Anna?"

_Please, please, please, please, please have a tactful answer._

"No. Frederick will not be brought up on criminal charges because he didn't break any laws."

The crowd roared, the rioting resumed, and Ylisstol burned.

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTES:<strong>

-If you don't live in America—sorry—this chapter is probably really confusing.

-If you live in America and you don't know why this chapter is what it is, shame on you.

-The most horrifying thing about the statute Sumia read is that it is completely non-fiction. That is the actual text of the Missouri Statute governing when police officers are allowed to use lethal force. **(HashTag Ferguson)**


	9. Chapter 9

**Oh wow; I didn't get ANY flames or hate mail after that last chapter. And, surprisingly enough, the bulk of the commentary on its political subtext came from international readers. (Step it up Americans. Canadians and Europeans showed more interest in whats going on in our streets...that's jut embarrassing...)**

**On that note:**

* * *

><p><span>Robin For Exalt<span>

**"Dey Terk Urr Jerbs!" **-South Park-

* * *

><p>"Three cafes, two apothecaries, a salon, a jeweler, and a clothier," Sumia confirmed the list of businesses destroyed in the rioting.<p>

"…I liked that clothier…" Lucina was going to need to find a new place to buy atrocious, polka-dot print dresses for the women of the royal family. (Sumia wondered if it would be in poor taste to celebrate that particular establishment burning to the ground)

Anna's Law (Robin in an unsolicited moment of helpfulness had hinted it would be a _tactful _name for Chrom's penal code reforms) had gone into effect with popular support. And there had been no further rioting since Frederick had been stripped of his knighthood (if only to placate the mobs; behind closed doors Chrom continued to insist he had done nothing deserving of a demotion to steward). But Ylisse still very much bore the scars of civil unrest.

"With order restored, there's still this business of holding my throne." Chrom considered his next move. His crisis leadership had won a fragile peace that he did not think could survive the headline that was supposed to knock Robin out of the race. _**Gangrel Endorses Robin for Exalt; No Comment From Plegian-Born Grandmaster **_would have been a hilarious way to win, but that whole plan was now on hiatus. "What are my numbers?"

"Narrowly leading Robin," Lucina had the latest polls. "Vaike's in distant third; he came out of the riots looking like he didn't know how to lead in a crisis. In a roundabout way, you got your take-down."

"…So we're right back where we started." Sumia didn't like the sound of that. She remembered the Shepherd days; Robin would back them into no-win scenarios and pull off impossible wins just for the fun of it. A Robin within a 5-point swing of taking the lead was as good as Exalt.

"We are and we aren't." Chrom mused. "I've learned how to govern and Robin's learned how to not come across as a raging bitch. We're playing a much more interesting game now."

"If this is a game, then what's your win-condition?" Sumia asked. "The Gangrel effect was going to get you there. You need something else now."

"Gangrell Effect?" Lucina blinked

"_SUMIA_!" Chrom couldn't have been more explicit in his _**don't tell anyone**__._

"…Oh like it matters now…you aren't going to do it…" Sumia scoffed.

"Do what?" Lucina pressed.

"Nothing. Don't worry about it." Chrom downplayed. "But I've been thinking; maybe we can get the same effect without going scorched earth and burning bridges. A strong positive endorsement to raise me up, rather than a powerful negative endorsement to knock Robin down."

"You will need a VERY strong positive endorsement to match the boom of Gangrel endorsing Robin."

"…oh my god….you didn't…" Lucina was judging him.

"Damn it Sumia." This is why Chrom couldn't tell her secrets.

"Don't _**damn it Sumia**_ me_; YOU_ should have told her in the first place!" Sumia chewed him out the way that only a wife could. "Stay focused. That plan was going to work because rednecks already think Robin is an illegal Plegian, or some such nonsense. And because Gangrel is so universally HATED that anything he endorses is worse than Hitler. Who in the world is so beloved and so identified with what people love about you that they can give you the same turn-around."

"_Ummmm_…Helloooo…I'm Blood of the Hero King and Champion of the Divine Dragon. _**Tiki**__._"

"Oh. That's…actually a really good idea…" Sumia was shocked by how many of those Chrom seemed to be having lately.

"It's a GREAT idea," Chrom reached for a serving girl's tray and grabbed an exotic cocktail to celebrate his new-found insights. It tasted of mint leaf and tropical fruit. A foreign-looking, heavily accented serving girl that Chrom had never seen before carried the serving tray; she must have been new. "And now we only need it to beat Robin. Vaike is done; the only way he stays in this race is if an issue that gets the plebs even more riled up than knight brutality comes along and Vaike gets ahead on messaging before we get our talking points up. GODS; this drink is FANTASTIC! What's it called?"

"Es un Mojito , Senor Chrom."

"Why have I never had this before!?"

"Es nuevo to Ylisse; just come from Plegia with 10 million _trabajadores_." The serving girl left the room.

"That's the best news I've heard all—wait—_what did she just say!_?"

* * *

><p>"These god-damn Plegians keep coming to <em><strong>OUR <strong>_country, taking _**OUR**_ jobs, and it's the Ylissean worker who's getting shafted!"

"**That's right!"**

"**You tell 'em Vaike!"**

"**Ylisstol is selling us out!"**

"They eat _**OUR**_ food and use _**OUR**_ toilets! Meanwhile there's no bread and the sewers keep backing up!" With an undereducated and bigoted electorate of old-fashioned country folk and an economy still in shambles, Vaike didn't have to be particularly articulate or charming or in command of facts for his talking points to catch on like wildfire. "Chrom don't care; fancy nobles just want cheap labor to staff their castles. Plegians sweep their halls and trim their hedges for half of what a Ylissean will work for. And _**ROBIN **_ain't gonna help ya. Robin wants _**MORE **_Plegians 'cause she knows they'll vote for her. First day I'm Exalt—I'll tell you what—Teach is gonna put up a big ol' wall and kick out all the Plegians and _GET YOU YOUR JOBS BACK!_"

"**We like Vaike! We like Vaike!"**

"…Ridiculous…" Robin had a rare moment of unfiltered, un poll-tested honesty. "The guilds are waiting to see how the debt crisis resolves before they start hiring again and the hierarchs let the merchants who fund their conclaves write the wage laws, and you think _**immigrant**__s _are the reason there's job shortages and stagnant wages!?"

"_**Boooooooooo!"**_ The crowd jeered

"**Why do you hate Ylissean workers!?"**

"**Go back to Plegia!"**

"**Every Plegian working in Ylisse is one less job for a Ylissean. You think that's fair!?" **

"That's not how this works! That's not how any of this works!" Robin attempted to give team Vaike a basic education in economics. "Immigrants aren't just units of supply in the labor market. They're also units of demand in the market for goods and services. People are both laborers and consumers, and when people consume they create the demand for new labor. That's how you get_** growth**_; more people doing more jobs, buying more things. Immigration is a _BOON_ to our economy. You don't get 10 million new jobs if you kick out the Plegians; you get 10 million fewer persons demanding Ylissean goods and buying from Ylissean businesses , then you get…"

"_**Boooooooooo!"**_

"_**LIAR!" DIRTY PLEGIAN LIAR!"**_

"_**My son can't get a job at the royal palace and a Plegian woman pours Chrom's drinks! Don't you DARE tell me THOSE PEOPLE aren't taking jobs away from good, hard-working Ylisseans!"**_

"…Yeah…Fuck This…" Robin cut her losses and retreated to HQ. She knew she shouldn't be touching the immigration issue with a 10-foot pole, unless to say something to the effect of what Vaike had just said. It was a political landmine.

Robin had long since accepted that she was going to have to dumb down her arguments and shamelessly pander to the unlearned and the backward to win the race, but damn it, she still had standards. One thing she would NOT do was agitate for a policy that she knew to be toxic to the health of the halidom, just to appeal to nativist angst and popular prejudice.

…Or would she?

Vaike was going to get a shit-ton of votes doing it; votes Robin needed to beat Chrom. Of course to Vaike it wasn't pandering; the oaf actually believed every word he was saying. Robin on the other hand would be lying through her teeth if she played that angle, but really, It was just one more fib (why did this one feel different?). It was bad policy. She knew it was bad policy. And she would never, ever act upon it. But it was all for the good of the halidom if it put her on the throne; she WAS the best suited to lead, right? No harm, no foul...

…but what if there WAS harm? What if people _REALLY _believed the lies and the scapegoating? What if words weren't enough to walk it back? What if they took matters into their own hands?

"Owain; help. I think I'm having a moral crisis."

"You have morals?" Owain gave her the evil eye.

"There is an issue where the position I know is right is extremely unpopular, and the position I know is popular is completely wrong." Robin ignored the slight. "Do I pander, do I take the hit, or do I just ignore it?"

"You're actually asking for my opinion?"

"Believe it or not, I value your opinion."

"_Pfttttttttt_."

"Really; I do!"

"Let's pretend for a moment that I believe that." Owain indulged her. "What's this about?"

"The immigration issue."

"…Oh lord…"

"I want to tell voters that Plegian immigration is good for them. Talk sense into me."

"If you tell voters that Plegian immigration is good for them, you are going to lose. Badly." This would have been true before Plegia and Ylisse fought two wars; now it was just a no-brainer. "ANY candidate who tells voters that Plegian immigration is good for them is going to lose badly. But you especially have to control your image. You already have a certain…reputation…"

"But it IS good for them! Do these people have any godly idea how many Ylissean businesses would be out-of-business if 10 million customers just up and left the country!?"

"No. They don't. And you're not going to convince them, so don't even try." Owain advised. "People believe what they want to believe. People want to believe that there are easy answers to hard problems; it makes them feel safe. Nothing is easier than _**everything is wrong because of THESE PEOPLE; get rid of them and everything will be better.**_ It's stupid and bigoted and it doesn't make sense. But it is what it is, and you can't change it."

He was right. Robin knew he was right. But…

"I'm a LEADER! Leaders lead. If I'm just following public opinion on every issue, I'm not leading!"

"You wanted democracy. You got democracy. If you just wanted to pass whatever laws your smarts and your education informed you were good for the halidom without public opinion being a problem, you should have kept the monarchy."

"...Shit..." Robin grumbled. _I think I liked this country better when it WAS a monarchy_.

* * *

><p><strong>Authors Note: Zeek72 suggested all the way back in Chapter 3 that I should bring Tiki on board. As a Robin surrogate rather than as a Chrom surrogate...but still...Props to Zeek for feeding me a good prompt. <strong>

**All feedback is helpful feedback. That being said; taxation, public spending, jobs, police brutality, and immigration have thus far appeared as unprompted campaign issues. Give me an issue prompt you'd like to see me play around with, and I just might play around with it.**


	10. Chapter 10

Robin for Exalt

"**I know some who are constantly drunk on books as other men are drunk on whiskey."** -H.L. Mencken-

* * *

><p>"Does it bother anyone else that my dad is an uneducated alcoholic with no leadership skills or experience in government?" Nah, of all people, was not sold on Team Vaike. (and more then a little perturbed by some of the kooks his campaign had gathered as followers)<p>

**"We don't want no gub'mint insider; they made the mess!"** a more ardent supporter tried to bring her into the fold.

**"Common sense solutions for Ylisse; Vaike gets it!"** sloganeered another.

"Ain't nuthin' you can learn in a castle or in a library worth more than workin' the fields," a portly pig farmer and bona-fide kook ranted. "Them snooty liberals in Ylisstol—buryin' their heads in them _**book**__s _and thinkin' theys some great _**thinkers**_—they done never worked a day in their life! Got no idea how things really is; tellin' us men can marry men and Plegains takin' er jerbs is _**good **_for us. Books must make ya mighty stupid if that's what you git from _**reading!**_"

Nah didn't no whether to laugh or cry, so she sighed and silently helped herself to Vaike's whiskey.

"Theys so open-minded their brains fall out, and they says wes some bigots 'cause we don't want dem perverts and illegals ruinin' er country!" the kooks got kookier. "I ain't no bigot! Theys the bigots! Racist libtards hatin' traditional Ylisseans; dats racist!"

"Intolerance of intolerance is intolerance…sure…" Nah drank. _Sweet merciful god._ _Does father even realize this is what hes pandering to?_

"**ER MAH GERD; YOU GUYS!"** Vaike barged into HQ with a look of outrage and a book of law; the latter landing with a windmill slam on the serving counter (Vaike's campaign HQ is a tavern) as Vaike shouted for everyone to gather round. **"YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE WHAT I JUST FOUND!"**

"You read now?" Nah glimpsed the text. It looked WAY above Vaike's level.

"—Course I read! I read ya to sleep every night when you were little, didn't I?"

"_**My Pet Goat**_. Not _**Rules of Administrative Procedure Governing the Courts of Ylisse." **_

"Oh shush; a book's a book. Look at this! Remember that law Chrom passed 'bout how big government has to pay for everyone's healers, and gets to take your healer away if the hierarchs think its too expensive?"

"…That's not what the law says…" Nah wasn't a scholar. But she was dating one. "You didn't read it. You have no idea what it does or how it works. You listened to someone else who didn't read it and has no idea what it does or how it works tell you why you should hate it."

"That's a bunch of hooey; the Vaike knows whats up!" Vaike pointed to his book. "Says it right here; they don't even have to use the courts. If the hierarchs think its too expensive for you to go to a healer, it goes to a _**Quality Review Board**. _ There's them **death panels** I was tellin' ya about. If they don't like the way you LOOK at them, they can say you cost too much to heal."

"**KNEW IT!"**

"**IT'S A CONSPIRACY I TELLZ YAZ! THEY WANNA KILL OFF ALL US TRADITIONAL YLISSEANS AND MAKE THE WHOLE COUNTRY THINK LIKE THEM CITY SLICKERS!"**

"**FACISTS! NEXT THEY'LL BE PUTTING US IN CAMPS!"**

"No one is putting anybody in camps!You people are RIDICULOUS!" Nah was drinking straight Bourbon, and she couldn't kill enough brain cells for that line of thinking to make sense. "It's a law that stops people from dying because they can't afford healing and having their life-savings wiped out when they call a healer. You're acting like it's the end of civilization."

"**God's Vaike!"**

"**When did your daughter become such a freedom-hating liberal?" **

"She can't help it…she gets it from her mother…" Vaike deflected. "Here's what CAN be helped; we're gonna take to the streets! We're gonna spread the word that Chromcare ain't no good. And we ain't gonna stop until Ylisstol gets outa the way and lets the best healers in the world do their job! "

"**Here here!"**

"**That's right! That's RIGHT!"**

"**The King is a criminal! Chromcare is TREASON!"**

"Hey; none of that now!" Vaike scolded. "Chrom's a GOOD man. A FINE man. He just don't know any better. Don't know how us real folks live; he's got a big ol' heart and a head full of bad ideas," Vaike spoke completely deaf to the irony.

Nah thought to say something, thought better of it, and drank more Bourbon.

"Now ya'll know Chrom ain't gonna change the law. It's his namesake. Robin's even worse; she thinks Chromcare doesn't go far enough!" That was the first factually correct thing Vaike had said all day. "A vote for either one of them is a vote for more government getting between you and your healer. Ya'll know whatcha gotta do?"

"**Out of the taverns; into the streets! Out of the taverns; into the streets!" **

"Damn straight!" Vaike led his supporters in protest.

* * *

><p>"<em>Whyyyyyyy?" <em>Nah face-planted against the now empty table and made to take another swig of whiskey.

"That's enough of that…easy now…" Laurent confiscated the bottle and steadied her in her seat.

"He's _**SO**_ dumb." Nah shook with adorable, tiny little fists of rage. Her first impression of her parents had been that Nowi had the mind of a child, and that nothing short of raw sexual thrill could explain what Vaike saw in her. She now believed the reverse to be true.

"He...means well..." Laurent offered by way of conciliation. "And his criticism of the law—misguided though his proposed remedy might be—is not entirely without merit."_ Robin had the right of it. We needed to remove private insurance as a barrier to access. Not get everyone insured. Chromcare was a half-hearted compromise to get enough support to pass from the Vaike's of the world...that was poorly done.  
><em>

"I just don't understand how he can be so opinionated and be so sure that all his opinions are right when he **_doesn't know anything_.** And he acts like that's a **_selling point_**!" Never had Nah seen such a glorious celebration of ignorance as at a Vaike rally, where "academic" was a dirty word and Robin had been booed off the stage for arguing hard economics instead of _**Dey Terk Errr Jerbs**_!

"He is not alone in his thinking." Laurent understood the political undercurrents at play. "Vaike's anti-intellectualist populism taps into something deep and salient in the electorate. This perception that academics are a parasitic class and that education is brainwashing—that the zenith of social utility and useful knowledge is to be found in the life experience of the working class—it is perception born of a society that treats quality education as a commodity to be purchased by a privileged few rather than as a fundamental right and public good."

"…I guess…" Nah squeezed under Laurent's cape and pretended like she understood half of what he just said. "This whole democracy thing doesn't work unless people are educated, does it?"

"When the people govern themselves, they get a government commensurate with their level of civic awareness and engagement," Laurent agreed with much headier language. "It works to the extent that voters have the requisite interest and base of knowledge to make it work. Where the requisites are lacking, the people are governed by buffoons who can appeal to the lowest common denominator and tricksters who tell people what they want to hear."

"Ylisse wasn't ready for this…" Nah had been thinking it for a long time. But it felt good to finally say it. "One day, maybe. But we just aren't there yet."

"Indeed." Laurent concurred. "Chrom thrives on competition; without it he grew negligent and detached. Robin was correct to challenge his rule. But the manner of her choosing was error; in so choosing she has all but guaranteed that Vaike will be our next Exalt. Vaike will win not because of who had the strongest endorsement or the best policies or the tightest image control or the cleanest messaging. He has none of these things. Vaike will win because the mood of the country is nativist, populist, and anti-elitist. And he plainly without reservation or deceit reflects the mood of the country."

"And you're okay with that? _**OOF**_—" Nah staggered and hit the floor. "You're way too smart to be okay with that…" She didn't even bother getting up.

"A Vaike governorship would not be as disastrous as the alarmists are predicting. Precisely because he has no leadership skills or experience in government." Laurent picked her up and whispered words of comfort and carried her to a backroom bed, where she could sleep off the coming crash. "Vaike does not know how to craft laws or move through the mechanisms of state; he will be almost entirely dependent on aides and advisers to do the legwork of governing. Mother has already taken measures to assure that in the event of a Vaike win, her think-tank will have a hand in crafting public policy. Chrom and Robin will likewise retain some role; if not in name or title then in the ability to treat with the hierarchs and move legislation. In truth, Vaike would be Exalt in name only. The people would have their voice sitting Chrom's throne and be contented in the illusion of autonomy. But the direction of the country would not change."

"Mmmmmmm…that sounds nice…" Nah gripped her pillow tight and snuggled beneath her blankets as Laurent tucked her in. "You're the best boyfriend_** ever**_."

"You're drunk." Laurent gave her a gentle kiss and made sure she was comfortable. "You really shouldn't try to drink as much as your father."

"NO! I'm TOUGH! I can handle it!" Nah made that face she made when she was trying to prove she was a big, scary dragon.

"You can. But you really shouldn't." Laurent blew out the rooms oil lamp. "Get some rest. I'll be back in a bit."

_"Noooooooo."_ Nah whined. "Why are you leaving?"

"I have…business…" _I'll tell you more if mother allows it. _"Get some rest."

Nah dozed off and Laurent left…only to immediately be accosted…

"...You..." Lucina cornered him as soon as he left the tavern. "_**The King**_ would like a word with you."

"Whats this about?" Laruent feigned ignorance.

"What do you think?"

"I would assume this pertains to mother's assistance with his campaign. Would it not be more prudent to speak with her directly?"

"No. He specifically asked to speak with **_YOU_**."

_He knows. _"And why ever would our good king do that?"

"Ask him yourself." Lucina knew Miriel was double-dealing, and she knew Laruent was her in with Team Vaike. "Shall I escort you to the castle?"

"…I know the way…" Laurent proceeded without her direction, but was very aware that he was being followed.

_I could use a big, scary dragon right about now._


	11. Chapter 11

A number of fan suggestions came together to make this chapter happen. Special thanks to RubyGloom7 and Dudeaga.

* * *

><p><span>Robin For Exalt<span>

**"Marijuana is not a drug. I used to suck dick for coke. Now that's an addiction, man. You ever sucked some dick for marijuana? I didn't think so.**" -Bob Saget-

* * *

><p>"I understand you're working for Vaike." Chrom got straight to the point.<p>

"I do no such thing, and I find almost all of his policies to be abhorrent." Laurent denied it. "I'm simply dating his daughter."

"But you have been spending a LOT of time with his campaign team?"

"Calling it a _**team**_ is being extremely generous." _More of a mob, really. _

"Rambling Vaike supporters just stormed my throne room and demanded to know why I want to push their grandparents off a cliff…I don't suppose you know what that's about…"

"Vaike misinterpreted the rule removing claims arising under the Affordable Healer Act from the court of common pleas," Laurent explained. "He was unaware that its standard practice for complex statutes to create their own enforcement agencies with their own administrative law judges and courts of limited jurisdiction. His interpretation was that a hierarch could deny vital services with no judicial oversight or review on-the-record, if one so much as offended his family name."

"I signed the law, and I don't understand most of what you just said."

"That would be one of the fundamental problems with the law." Laurent opined._ Vaike can be an imbecile, but the people who make our laws really should have some idea what they do. _ "At its outset the premise was flawed. If you wanted healing to be affordable you had to govern against the interests of the insurers making it unaffordable. Write them out of the equation; not make more people use their product and accept without contention that the product is a prerequisite to access. All you've done is create a cost-shifting mechanism to hide the inflated expense."

"That's what Robin said. And if we had followed her plan there would have been NO change in the law, because the hierarchs never would have let a proposal against the interest of insurers see the light of day," this Chrom understood. "Some change is better than no change. You understand this, don't you? How this game is played? That's why you've been playing all sides and hedging your bets with every campaign…"

"…Your Majesty…I would never…"

"There's no need to deny it." Chrom wasn't mad. "_Nothing will really change. Who advises counts for more than who governs. Vaike won't be so bad so long as he is surrounded by __**the right people**_. This is what you have been thinking, yes?"

"Your...insights...are uncanny."

"I'm not half as dumb as Robin would have you believe. Now listen and listen well. Vaike will pay no heed to one who speaks to him of facts and theories, and the only opinion Robin trusts is her own. With Vaike your knowledge will be as pearls before swine, and with Robin it will be ridiculed and ignored. I will listen. I will be moved. Pledge for me, and I will raise you to Grandmaster of the Realm."

"You're trying to buy my support with patronage." Laurent saw through the ploy.

"_**Patronage **_is such a dirty word," Chrom laid on the charm. "Don't get me wrong. I'm not handing out positions of power to every fence-sitting Maribelle. I seek only the best and brightest to give my counsel. It is out of _**deepest respects**_ for what you would bring to my administration that I extend this offer."

"What about mother?"

"what about her?"

"Why me and not her?"

"Miriel lacks the social intelligence to be a public figure. She'd be suitable for a behind-the-scenes job in policy research and law review, but it wouldn't do to have her as a diplomat or as a liaison," Chrom had considered it. "You're the full package."

"And Robin?"

"…Can no longer serve as my right hand after openly contesting my throne. I'll knight her and give her Frederick's old post—Lord Commander of the Ylissean Guard is as good a use for her as any—but her grandmaster days are over."

"...I see…" Laurent needed some time to gather his thoughts. "May I…have a moment to think this through?"

"**YOU JUST WAIT TILL I TELL YOUR FATHER!" **Sumia came in shouting,

"**Ow-Ow-OW!" **Cynthia cried from Maribelle pulling her by the ear.

"You are in** BIG **trouble mister!" Maribelle ignored Cynthia and scolder her son; also being pulled by the ear.

"Awwww; come on Ma! Everyone does it; its no big deal!" Brady grumbled.

"You think it over while I see what this is about." Chrom sighed and turned his attention to family affairs. "What happened?"

"You are not going to believe what Frederick caught our children doing!" Maribelle huffed. "This behavior is totally _UNACCEPTABLE_!"

"Cynthia and Brady? Damn." it sounded to Chrom as though he had just lost a bet. "I owe you 100 gold Sumia. I thought for sure he was gay..."

"Why does everybody think that!? I'm just sensitive!"

"What!? No…we didn't catch them doing _**THAT**_!" Maribelle did that thing she does where she turns beat-red. "My idiot son and your daughter were smoking marijuana cigarettes._ Reefer_. Like…like common _**hoodlums**_!" She was SO mad.

"…Nice..." Chrom had new-found respect for Brady. "Do you still have any?"

"**CHROM!**" Sumia lowered the boom on him.

"Oh…right…I mean _I Raised You better then That! _ I'm really disappointed…or something…"

"This is serious!" Sumia insisted. Maribelle had her all worked up. "Our daughter is a drug addict!"

"_**Bullshit **_our daughter is a drug addict. She smokes weed." Chrom could care less. Its not like she was getting hopped up on pills or snorting powder. "You don't do any real drugs, do you honey?"

"Nope!"

"…There ya go…"

"Marijuana is ILLEGAL!" Maribelle lectured. "Its dangerous and unhealthy and low-class, and people who need to use it to be happy are_** losers**_."

"You don't do it because you need it to be happy. You do it because its fun." Cynthia said something so simple, it was brilliant.

"Same reason you drink wine with them socialites; ain't no one calling you a loser." Brady agreed.

"Wine is _sophisticated_!" Maribelle failed to see the similarity.

"And it isn't _**ILLEGAL**_." Sumia added.

"You do know the only reason marijuana is illegal is so that we can justify having as many lawmen as we have and keep poor people in prison, right?" Chrom knew Cynthia and Brady had nothing to fear from being caught; they were highborn. If Frederick had found two street kids lighting up, they'd be spending the next 19 months in prison. Or dead for "resisting arrest."

"Oh don't even START with that!" Sumia had married Chrom with an explicit understanding that certain things were going to change when he became a father. "Just because you were a full-blown degenerate when you dated Robin, doesn't mean you can teach my little girl that…"

"Kids; do you want to know the truth about Marijuana?" Sumia had just flipped Chrom's **Brutally Honest** switch. "Its…its just GREAT. It makes food taste better. It makes music sound better. It makes sex feel better. Gods; it makes sex feel _**SO **_much better. Its less impairing then alcohol and doesn't make you throw up or want to hit something. People have been using it for thousands of years to make life better."

"OKAY;well…this has been...oh my, look at the time!" Maribelle excused herself. "Come Brady, you really shouldn't be listening to such..."

"Stay. Your king commands it." Chrom pulled rank.

"If that's how it is, why is it illegal?" Chrom had Brady's attention.

"The first criminalization laws were passed shortly after the end of Taguel slavery," Chrom explained. "It became illegal to take away their rights and force them to work for nothing outright. But forced labor was still allowed in prisons. Well eventually the hierarchs figured out that if they made a law which criminalized something everyone was doing and selectively enforced it against the underclass, they could stop the Taguel from climbing the social ladder AND fill Ylisse's prisons with so many bodies that chain-gangs could do the work of former slaves."

"Don't listen to any of this." Maribelle told Brady. "Smoking is bad for you."

"So is getting blackout drunk on whiskey and passing out in a bar, but you don't go to jail for it!" Brady shot back. "There's no more taguel. Or chain-gangs. Why is it still illegal?"

"Those were just local laws. The national ban didn't come until the reign of Exalt Mikolos IV." _**Fuck that Guy**. _Chrom had no love for that particular ancestor. "When Mikolos ordered the first crusade against Plegia, half of Ylisse applauded his efforts to combat the Grimleal threat. And half the country called it the senseless violence of a mad zealot. There was protest and civil unrest and a deep rift in the mood of the country; some abandoned the Ylissean way altogether and formed their own communes where they did no business with the guilds and paid no homage to The Crown. Technically, they weren't doing anything illegal. But Mikolos wanted them punished. Mikolos noticed something: all of the Ylisseans who were running away to join hippy communes and showing up outside his palace calling him a murderer were smoking weed. If smoking weed were illegal, he could lawfully disband their communes and disrupt their protests. Thinking this, Mikolos declared marijuana use to be a national crisis and its users to be violent criminals. The rest, as they say, is history."

"That's _**SO**_ wrong! Someone should do something about that!" Cynthia thought the whole thing was very unheroic. "You're The King! Why don't you just make it legal?"

"The last time I tried, the hierarchs threatened to disinherit my entire bloodline." It wans't as though Chrom hadn't made the attempt. "…Wait a damn minute…Robin got rid of bloodright to the throne with this democracy business. My whole bloodline is already disinherited."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"SWEET! I can legalize weed! Laurent; with me!"

"I suddenly find myself most inclined to take up the position of grandmaster." Laurent was agreeable to the change of law. "Good sir Brady; see if Gaius still has any of that Big Bubba Budz Master Kush. I'll tell Kjelle to spread the word. We shall celebrate this triumph with festivities of exceeding excellence!"

...And then they were gone…

"Laurent and Kjelle smoke!?" Maribelle and Sumia and were dumbfounded.

"Yep yep yep! Ummmm…Why wouldn't they?" Cynthia was that silly combination of cheerful and confused that made her Cynthia.

"Laurent…isn't a low-class degenerate…" Maribelle couldn't wrap her head around it. "He's educated. And really, really smart."

"Everyone from our generation smokes weed." Brady informed his elders.

"Kjelle is an _**athlete**_." Sumia couldn't imagine the girl allowing such abuse of her perfectly conditioned body. "Does Sully know?"

"Everyone from our generation smokes weed."

"...Not Lucina..."

"**_EVERYONE_ **from our generation smokes weed."


	12. Chapter 12

Throwing curveballs with Chrom.

* * *

><p><span>Robin For Exalt<span>

"_**Compromise is the Artistry of Democracy."**_ –Gutmann and Thompsan-

* * *

><p>"<strong>No<strong>." Hierarch Haggerty took a plain look at the cover of Chrom's proposal and refused to make it law.

"Its good policy!" Chrom defended his push for legalization. "It creates jobs, saves money, takes money away from the bandits on the Plegian border…the revenue they make from black market sales is revenue _WE_ should be making to fund the Ylissean Guard…"

"It is unhealthy, unnatural, and ungodly!" Hiearch Benedictus rebuked.

"Tiki; Is it ungodly?" Chrom asked his resident godspeaker.

"Naga hath said: _**BEHOLD! I have given every herb bearing seed which is upon the face of all the Earth, and every tree in which is the fruit of the tree yielding seed. For you it shall be meat**__._"

"Willfully altering one's state of mind for pleasure is a sacrilege of the body. We will not invite our people to indulge in such immorality." Hierarch Amberos joined.

"…The Voice of the Divine Dragon just told you it isn't immoral…"

"Since the days of Mikolos IV, we hath said that this plant is a drug and a poison worse than kingsbane." Hiearch Manderly pondered. "If we were to reverse—if we were to say our judgement was made in error—the people would question all our rules. The authority of our most holy church would be uncertain; the faith shaken and our goodness, the virtue of Ylisse, unfollowed."

"I'm sorry…I thought we were running a church based on the teachings of The Divine Dragon, not on what makes followers easier to control." Chrom called them all out. "Look; our kids get it. The law doesn't make sense and none of the reasons we give them for why it is what it is hold water. They're going to change it in the next 20 years if we don't, and history will judge use for standing in the way."

"Degenerate youth will be degenerate youth." Hiearch Benedictus was unmoved. "Those who partake of this poison are lacking of character and amount to nothing."

"Lazy, stupid, and unmotivated." Hierach Amberos agreed.

"These _**children**_ will become burnouts if they stay their course; wisemen and counselors if they grow up. They change nothing." Hierarch Manderly talked down.

"…About that…" Chrom was prepared for this. "Laurent; if you would."

"_Gentleman_." Laurent presented himself.

"_**Hierarchs**_." Benedictus corrected.

"How _**Rude**_." Amberose was indignant.

"We work _**hard **_for our titles. " Manderly lied (they did no such thing). "Address us properly, or do not address us at all."

"State your name title for the record." Haggerty sighed. This was supposed to be an easy _**No**_.

"Sage Laurent—Emeritus Scholar at the University of Ylisstol—son of Ricken; scion of the most noble and ancient House Do-Urden. I hold a masters degree in public administration and a doctorate in advanced elemental studies.I have an IQ of 162. I've been published in three journals. My academic record is immaculate. This is _Gandalf the Grey_." Laurent produced a pipe of the kind smoked by the wizard which bore its namesake. "We are consumers of the controlled substance _Cannabis_, which the government of Ylisstol has said makes users lazy and stupid and unmotivated."

"You are admitting to the commission of a Class 1 felony. Think very carefully if you want to continue this testimony." Haggerty attempted to intimidate him into silence.

"I will issue a full royal pardon for any criminal charges arising out of the subject matter of this hearing." Chrom nulled the threat. "Proceed."

Laurent delivered his prepared testimony:

"_In the future from which I hail, Grima awakens Armageddon and pushes the human race to the brink of extinction. There's no governing states or sovereigns and a complete breakdown of law and order . Survival groups promulgate rules of conduct, enforcing them only as necessary to procure the social utility of cooperative survival. Drug laws were among the first rules of the old nations to be abandoned; the enforcement costs were deemed prohibitive and the social utility of enforcement was comparatively low._

_In the absence of such laws, consumption of cannaboids fell into the same class of cultural attitudes and social acceptance as consumption of alcohols. Cannaboids became the preferred means of leisure during the Desolation Years, when food shortages required strict rationing of fermentable fruits and grains and commercial brewing became infeasible. _

_As a logistics officer in the human resistance, I observed the conduct of hundreds of men. I found that cannaboid usage generally served as a supplement rather than as a complement to alcohol usage. That is to say, alcohol usage declined as cannaboid usage rose in the alternative. I found less socially undesirable behavior among those who consumed cannaboids then among those who consumed alcohol in comparable quantities; specifically fewer instances of aggressive outbursts and violence against fellow survivors. Moreover, cannaboid users were less likely to manifest symptoms of post-traumatic stress after Risen attacks. The free availability of cannaboids among lawful vendors was such that criminal enterprises could not claim control of cannaboid markets as a source of wealth._

_In this timeline, I have found glaring deficiencies in the current law. The rate at which criminalization is enforced across income brackets is not commensurate with the rates at which they are used; enforcement is overwhelmingly biased against the poor and the disenfranchised while more comfortably situated users rarely face legal consequence. Moreover, bandit clans in cannabis-growing regions have become exceptionally well funded and well armed through a de-facto monopoly on its production and distribution. Our policy continues to be a prime driver of the gang wars in Plegia and the violence on the Plegain border. A lawful cannabis market would defund the bandits, create Ylissean jobs, and decrease the cost of law enforcement by 12 percent while increasing revenue for public works ._

"…_I will now elaborate on each point…" _

"Compelling testimony."Haggerty mock-applauded Laurent's meticulous presentation. **"No."**

"By what operation of fact?" Laurent inquired.

"The law says the Exalt cannot amend the Prohibition Act without the consent of the High Council." Haggerty spoke for the hierarchs. "We hold that it is a crime of moral turpitude and that you have admitted to breaking our laws. GUARDS! ARREST THIS MISCREANT!"

"That's a damn-shame." Chrom tabled the amendments to his proposal. "…I guess you don't want to hear about the tax cuts for top earners…"

"**Tax cuts for what-now?"** That sent the council abuzz.

"…Oh…nothing major….It's just that with so much gold from a sales tax on pot-shops, we wouldn't really need a 20 percent capital gain tax. I think we could drop it down to 10 percent."

"**10 percent!?"**

"No…that's far too modest…_FIVE_ …" Chrom sweetened the deal. "We can go five percent on capital gains."

"**We must legalize weed immediately!"**Hierarch Manderly jumped out of his seat.

"**It is unpatriotic to block legalizaiton!" **Hierarch Amberos pounded the table.

"**I was the first one who wanted to legalize weed!" **Hierarch Benedictus boasted proudly.

"…Lord Counselor…" Chrom mock-asked Hierarch Haggerty for his consent. His support had been pulled out from under him and he knew it; it was done.

"…Hmmmmphhh…you have your law…" Haggerty yielded. "Marijuana is now legal."

"Sages take note; that's how you govern." Chrom debriefed Laurent after the hearing. "Scholarship and facts will only take you so far. There comes a point where you just need to be able to read people and figure out what they want. Give a little; get a little."

"Masterfully done." Laurent praised. "And yet…does it not bother you?"

"What bother me?"

"That buying friends with political favors counts for more than who has the better policy argument?"

"This isn't University. If you think that way, you will never get anything done around here."

"…Hmmmppphhh…"

* * *

><p>"Chrom just gave his millionaire buddies the biggest tax cut in the history of Ylisse! He's SO out of touch!" Robin roused the rabble, with great success.<p>

"…what the fuck…" Chrom confronted her after the rally. "You of all people should be thrilled."

"Oh; I'm _**ecstatic**_."

"They weren't going to change the law without a concession and we more than make up the revenue in sales tax. You know this."

"Of course I know this. As you know that we're still in the middle of an election, I'm still trying to kick your ass, and _**no tax cuts for millionaires **_is the easiest applause line in politics." Robin had been fucked too many times by bumpkins not knowing the difference between good slogans and good policy to not take advantage when the perfect opportunity presented itself.

"…Hmmmpphhhhh…"

"Politics aside; there's something serious I wanted to talk to you about. Have you been following the crisis in Renais?"

"...No idea what that is..."

"Renais; it's a country in the Magvel region. It was just an invaded by its neighbor, Grado. They killed the king and sacked the capital. The atrocities were…barbaric…"

"That's horrible."

"Their armies are garbage. Two generations behind the Ylissean Guard in metalworking and spellcraft; we could rout them in a week. The people would greet us as liberators." Robin baited.

"…I suppose it wouldn't hurt to send a battalion…"

"NO! THIS IS WHY YOU SUCK AT YOUR JOB!" Robin scolded. "You can't keep throwing gold at frivolous things. We have absolutely no reason to go to war in Renais."

"But…you just said…"

"…What every hawkish adviser looking for something to do after Plegia and Valm is going to tell you. And you just listened to me. Because YOU SUCK AT YOUR JOB!"

"Its not frivolous if people are suffering and we have the power to stop it!" Chrom disagreed.

"You know how this works: evil king invades; young champion rises; champion leads army against evil king. Trust me. Renisians will work out trouble in Renais without the great King Chrom raising a batallion."

"Laurent; do you know of this?" Chrom sought a second opinion.

"I am familiar with the Renisian Incident, your grace."

"What say you?"

"There are ill tidings of demons of mass destruction in Grado. It might be another Grima scenario. I believe it would be prudent to gather more intelligence before taking military action off the table."

"What it is _he_ doing here?" Robin asked.

"This is the Grandmaster of the Realm. " Chrom introduced Robin to her replacement.

"_**I'm**_ Grandmaster of the Realm."

"You're fired."

"YOU'RE REPLACING ME WITH LAURENT!?"

"Noooo. In fact, I'm _PROMOTING_ you to Lord Commander of the Ylissean Guard."

"...I don't want Frederick's old job…" Lord Commander of the Ylissean Guard was a completely useless position. Unless Ylisse was going to war.

"AND I'm sending an exploratory party to Renais. By order of the exalt, the new Lord Commander of the Ylissean Guard and her First Lieutenant are going to be leading an overseas campaign. Far, far away from here."

"No…Don't you dare…i mean, you can't even...not without the hierarchs..."

"Hierarchs have no authority over military decisions; I can do whatever I want. LAURENT! Inform Vaike that he has been promoted to first Lieutenant of the Ylissean Guard. Get him a nice new axe to mark the achievement. Reforged Brave; make it fancy.""

"YOU UNBELIEVABLE BASTARD!"

"…Bye…"


	13. Chapter 13

**So I didn't write Vaike's character intending for him to be a representation of any real political figure. He was just supposed to be a caricature of American populism. But if you happened to see Governor Mike Huckabee talking about his new book "God, Guns, Grits, and Gravy" on the January 19th episode of the Daily Show. OMG...its Vaike... **("The way that you use the term _Harvard_ as a derogative blows my mind.")

**If you didn't see it; Youtube "John Stewart Confronts Mike Huckabee over Hypocritical Beyonce Remarks." Its worth 7 minutes of your time.**

**I love it when things just line up like that.**

* * *

><p><span>Robin For Exalt<span>

**"Mission Accomplished."** -George W. Bush-

* * *

><p><em><strong>Well this sucks<strong>_. Robin was stuck on Magvel. With Vaike. Doing things that were not running for Exalt.

"_Nyah-heh_. I like it here!" Henry blew up a giant spider.

"Gregor confused. Chrom sending us to hunt demons or liberate Renais; what is mission?" Gregor didn't understand their marching orders.

"Both?" Robin guessed. Chrom hadn't really given them a mission. _Why would he? A mission statement would mean an endgame and return date. _"HENRY; Stop wasting tomes!" (Chrom hadn't given them much in the way of supplies either)

"Tharja already broke five thunders." Libra advised.

"Tharja is harvesting gargoyle wings and eye of mogall for witching power. Henry is just being weird."

"But the spiders make funny popping noises when they die!" Henry used novice necromancy to make a dead one give him a hug.

"You're so weird. STOP BEING WEIRD!" Robin shouted.

"Oh, get off it. He's having fun. Naga knows we've got nothing better to do; there's no reason for us to be here." Gaius said what they were all thinking.

"Teach can't believe what he's hearing; none of ya'll are taking this mission seriously!"

"There is no _**mission**_. Chrom is being petty." Tharja had been following Robin's campaign with stalkerish interest. She knew what was going on.

"HEY! Politics is politics, but when the boots hit the ground you gotta support the troops! World is better off then its ever been because of Ylissean soldiers spreading Ylissean values."

"You thought _Chromcare_ was a conspiracy and an abuse of power." Gaius found it strange that Vaike, of all people, was the one who WASN'T raising a stink about out-of-control government doing something it had no business doing. "You don't think this is dirty?"

"Chromcare is an abuse of power; ain't government's job to get involved in healing. Ain't never been government's job. Raising armies and fighting wars; that's what Exalts are _**supposed **_to do! Don't ya know? Damn; you guys now a whole lot of nothing…" Vaike was still Vaike. "Exploitin' war for politics and bashing the mission 'cause you got a beef with Chrom. That's just downright unpatriotic."

"Vaike; stop talking, before I murder you." Robin was in no mood. "Tharja; whats the word from our eyes in the sky?"

"We don't have eyes in the sky." Tharja reminded her.

"Why?"

"Sumia is playing housewife, Cherche is back in Rosanne, and Cordelia thinks you should be sodomized with a killer lance."

"Because its _MY_ fault Severa makes poor life choices. SOMEONE PUT OVILIA ON A GODDAMN PEGASUS AND GET ME GODDAMN EYES IN THE SKY!" Robin raged_. _

"We didn't bring a pegasus." Libra once more advised. "That is to say, Chrom didn't give us any."

"No; of course not. That would be generous." Robin stewed. "So we have no objective, no supply lines, and we're going in blind…fantastic…"

"We'll have something to go on when Sully and Stahl report in." Gaius reminded her. "And come on. We're badasses. There's nothing out there that can even—_**OWWWWWW**_**; MY BODY!**"

Gaius turned to stone.

"GAIUS!"

"HOLY SHIT!"

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!"

"Huh. That was…a thing that happened…" Robin, really, really wished she had eyes in the sky. "THARJA! Explain!"

"Gorgons. Their hexes turns you to stone. I want one." Tharja admired the monster's handiwork.

"Nya-hah we could have left him back in the capital if all hes gonna do is get _STONED_, nya-hah." Henry stopped playing with spiders just long enough to make a bad pun.

"See; this is what I was tellin ya. The mission is a serious thing. When you're too busy being a snarky lib—"

"Vaike; move six paces to the right please." Robin cut him off.

"Why do you want me to…"

"Do it." The tactician commanded, and Vaike could not refuse.

"Now three paces back."

"Here?"

"…A little bit more to the right…"

"If ya want Teach to put his axe to something, just say the—_**OWWWWW; MY BODY!**_"

Vaike turned to stone.

"Right then. New plan." Robin sent a bolt of Thoron into the hills and sniped out the offending gorgon. "We kill a few monsters. We drive a few soldiers out of Serafew. We bullshit an incident report for Chrom, file _**No Further need for Ylissean involvement**_, and we all go home."

"…and if we find something that actually needs Ylissean involvement?" Libra asked.

"Ignore it, leave it to the Renasians, and deal with it if it ever comes to Ylisse." Robin still had a mind for goverrning. The Ylissean economy was in the middle of a weak recovery and the debt of two wars remained unpaid. Getting bogged down in another campaign would be disasterous. "If things look like they're escalating: disengage, disengage, disengage. We do not want to get entangled in—whatever this is—so for the LOVE OF GOD, don't do anything rash."

"Back!" Sully and Stahl rode into camp covered in blood and carrying the severed head of Vigarde. "We killed the Emperor of Grado!"

* * *

><p><em>Its good to be the King<em>. Chrom didn't have a care in the world.

"You're just going to sit on the couch drinking mojitos all day?" Chrom was useless, and Lucina was offended.

"The recovery is chugging along, Laurent is handling my petitioners, and for the first time in three months Robin isn't up my ass. Soooooo…yes….yes I am..." King Chrom was unapologetic.

"..."

"Drink with your old man?" Chrom offered up a cocktail.

"…Its 2:00 on a Tuesday…" Lucina, like a normal person, had shit to do.

"Its 5:00 somewhere in the world."

"Don't you have a country to run? There has to be more to do around here since you…you know…**started a WAR to stall out challenges to the Ylissean Thrones.**" Lucina did not hide her displeasure with the decision.

"You really think that's why I did it?" Chrom sipped and swirled. "Oh sure; getting some distance from Robin was a nice perk. I don't deny it. But that's no reason to go to war. The truth of it is the people of Renais were suffering and we had the power to stop it. Yes; Ylisse had no national interest in intervention. But wat about human interest? There's more power in the Ylissean Guard then all the world's armies combined. When we see injustice and cruelty, do we not have an obligation to use that power as a global force for good?"

"That's great. Except you didn't even know Renais was a country…until like…five day ago…" Lucina rebuked. _Gods. This is where Cynthia gets it from. _ "You can't just play hero with the Ylissean Guard. You need to understand the places your sending them and what you're sending them into. Or you may think you're fighting injustice and cruelty…but really…you're just escalating conflicts and spreading more violence."

"Well said," Chrom praised. "You will make a fine Exalt one day."

"Do we even know WHY Grado invaded Renais?" Lucina was not falling for Chrom's charm offensive.

"We know that when they invaded, they murdered fifty thousand civilians and raped the king's daughter in front of him. So I don't particularly care WHY they did it. I care that they did it, and that they were going to keep doing it."

"It just really bothers me that you didn't put more thought into this." Lucina accepted the drink. She needed it. "There's SO many ways this can go horribly out-of-control."

"Come on; this is _Robin_ we're talking about. Everything down to who carries silver and who carries steel is going to be controlled."

A letter bearing Robin's seal appeared from Chrom's royal carrier.

"See? That's probably her writing to let us know she made landfall. Wow…that was awfully fast…" Chrom opened and read:

_Chrom,_

_Made the crossing in a-day-and-a-half. We can use wind magic on our own ships to increase travel speed; don't know why we've never thought of that before. Please find attached casting formulas and vector calcs, and forward to Miriel._

_Demonic activity in Magvel is higher than expected. The cause is yet unknown. Attempts at scouting have been frustrated by lack of air power. Send a pegasus next time, asshole. _

_Manpower is limited. We've recruited Renaisian resistance fighters, but they're ill equipped and poorly trained. Prince Ephraim and Princess Eirika lead them. Weird relationship; possibly incestuous. _

_Prince Ephraim was abroad during the first invasion, and Princess Eirika escaped during the castle siege. Reports of rape in the throne room appear to have been fabricated; likely as anti-Grado propoganda. Confirmed civilian death count is 2,500. You suck at your job. _

_Will keep you posted with further updates. Try not to fuck up too badly while I'm gone._

_XOXOXO,_  
><em>Robin :)<br>_

_P.S.—We accidently killed the Emperor of Grado. Situation developing_.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"How do you _accidentally_ kill an Emperor?" Chrom wondered allowed.

* * *

><p>"HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY KILL AN EMPEROR!?" Robin screamed through the work of attaching neck bolts to Vigarde's corpse. Henry reattached the severed head and Tharja chanted.<p>

"He wasn't wearing special armor. We thought he was just a general." Sully told her.

"There were these soldiers. Raping and pillaging and doing soldier stuff. So we just started beating on them. Sully took the head off the one in the lead and they were like…dude…you just killed the Emperor…" Stahl was way to calm.

"We killed them too. Soooo..yeah…no one knows the Emperor is dead yet…" Sully clarified.

"Then this might actually work." Robin cast thunder on the neckbolts. Tharja finished her hex, and the reanimated corpse of Emperor Vigarde walked.

"There is zero chance that this will actually work." Tharja did not like this plan.

"He doesn't have to look pretty. He just has to walk and grunt." Robin watched their creation do just that. "We sit him on the throne next to a hexmage or a shadow priest or some shit. They give _Emperor's Orders_ and he grunts agreement. That's what people do in this country, right?"

"...Urrghhhh…" Vigarde's corpse grunted.

"See? This will—OH GOD'S NO!"

Half of Vigarde's lower jaw fell out of its hinge. His corpse grunted and clawed at itself and bashed its head against a rock, trying to end its misery.

"…I think I'm going to be sick…" Olivia paled and covered her mouth.

"You have sinned against nature." Libra passed judgment.

"Kill it." unstoned Gaius advised. "Kill it with fire."

"Yeah. This was a really bad idea." Robin admitted and cast Bolognone. "FUCK. Now we have to stay."

"Why?" Gaius didn't understand.

"Because we just destroyed Grado's government, and now there's going to be anarchy." Robin explained. "Had we just routed their army out of Renais and given them a stern _don't do it again_, we could leave. If we bail out now and Grado goes to hell, we get the blame and we've just inspired a generation of hatred against Ylisse. It'll be the Plegaian Crusades all-over-again."

"…but if we overstay and we're seen as meddlers, we also inspire a generation of hatred against Ylisse." Gaius pointed out.

"It's a real quagmire!" Vaike used the biggest word he knew. "But there ain't no two ways about it! We have to stay!"

"Because _limited government_?" Robin mocked.

"No. 'Cause we gotta finish the mission!"

"This was never part of the mission; there was no mission. But since you're so adamant…" Robin got an evil glimmer in her eye. "Vaike; I am naming you acting governor of occupied Grado."

"FOR REALS!?" Vaike did not realize what she was trying to do.

"For reals. You will be in charge of reconstruction and maintaining law and order. I'll deliver my assessment to King Chrom and return with word of his command. You ARE capable of governing in my absence, yes? "

"Ha! Just you wait and see! Ol' Teach'll have this place running smooth as a manakete's bottom."

"Excellent." Robin took her leave. But not before pulling Tharja aside and whispering _I don't care how many hexes you have to put him under; keep him in line._

"…sooooo Governor Vaike…" Stahl wondered. "How do you think that's gonna work out?"

"I think Grado would have been better off with Robin's Frankenstein." Sully opined. "And I don't think she's coming back."


End file.
